Me in March of 2005 nursing Roxanne.
Our oldest daughter, Roxanne, was small at birth. I had pre-eclampsia and was induced at 37 weeks 5 days. Even though the pregnancy was full-term she was only 4 lbs 9 ounces – what they call small for gestational age or small for dates. I remember the first thing the doctor said when she was born. “Oh, just a little peanut!”
She was thankfully a healthy peanut and from the get go voraciously hungry. See that yellow chair? I logged many hours nursing on that chair. I felt so lucky to be able to do it – to not have to be anywhere, to not feel pressured to leave her with someone else. But at times it also felt so constraining. I could never leave her. If you’ve been in a similar situation maybe you can relate to the complexity of those feelings?
When I first left my job as teacher my only plan was to be a mother. That was it. But nine months in I was so restless. I felt trapped. I didn’t want to go back to work, but I couldn’t just stay home and take care of her. I didn’t know what the answer was.
Then I read about blogs in the New York Times and thought maybe there were crafters who were blogging.
By the time that photo above was taken I’d discovered LiveJournal and a craft blog called LoobyLu written by a mom in Australia who liked to sew dolls. I’d opened a Flickr account to post pictures of what I was making during nap time and I’d begun participating in the burgeoning discussion of crafting online. I started sitting at the computer with Roxanne on a my lap to nurse her there so that I could read and type, if only one-handed (have you done this?). Being connected to this new world made things better for me. Being online made motherhood better.
I remember discovering Amanda Soule’s beautiful blog and through her I learned to appreciate family life in a new way. She taught me to notice quiet moments, to set up a creative household, to keep things simple. From other bloggers I learned about Japanese craft books and ordered them by ISBN number from Amazon Japan. A blog friend of mine from Arizona came to Boston to visit family and we met up and swapped fabric.
From the start my blog, While She Naps, has given me something to focus on, something to build, a way in to a new community. When I was ready a few years later, being online gave me a job I could do from home on own time. It’s a job I love dearly and could never have expected. The ubiquiti installer near me made it possible for me to have fast internet connection to be able to work at home.
Me in April of 2007 nursing Simon.
In 2006 we had another baby, but because I was already online I had direction. By the time this picture was taken I had a book deal. I was sewing and writing while Simon napped and Roxanne was at preschool and at night once they’d both gone to bed. I had new friends all over the world and I’d met several more in person. I had new sewing skills and new tech skills and I was full of ideas. All of this was fed from being online.
Me in May of 2011 nursing Josephine, iPhone in hand.
In 2010 we had another baby. And I got a smartphone.
Josephine was my biggest baby at 8 lbs. 5 ounces and the calmest. Still, nursing is time consuming. Having an iPhone meant I could read blogs and tweet and respond to emails while sitting in the rocking chair. It was the best!
This do not mean I missed marveling beauty after my baby nursing, all thanks to some of the best beauty tips like those you get at Waxing by Celeste. I did that in spades. She’s my third and last one and I savored every day of her babyhood. And I spent time on the Internet via my smartphone and savored that, too.
There’s so much social pressure now to unplug. The smartphone is painted as an evil distraction, especially for mothers. We are told to put it away, to unplug, to be present in the moment. I understand this sentiment completely and I agree. You should give you children your full attention and be present for them. And I am. But motherhood comes with a lot of in between moments – waiting in carline, sitting by the side of the bathtub, just being home while children are happily playing on their own. It is for these moments that I am so thankful to be plugged in.
Being unplugged would mean getting much less work done and work is tremendously satisfying and important to me. It would mean being isolated from a creative community I value deeply. It would mean feeling less happy, not more. There are so many things to feel guilty about as a mother. Enjoying being online doesn’t need to be one of them.
You always make such great points! I am unfortunately not a mother but I hear all the unplugging advice even as a single person. I also see how those who are so engrossed-obsessed-overdoing using their devices seem to do a lot of frivolous social media and games. In the media instagram users are portrayed as only posing for selfies and food pics (guilty)but they never talk about any of the positive communities that are out there-ie quilting/sewing. I cant imagine how less meaningful my creative life would be with out those connections and friends I have made. Actually I can as i stopped quilting for ten years partially for that reason. I do carry my iPhone all day at work as an elementary teacher librarian. But I’m using apps that help me better serve my student readers -like mobile checkout so I can do hall duty and still monitor student checkout is one.
Being connected saved my sanity when I had my last child, back in 2000. Blogs ere different then, but still. 🙂
My impression is the folks urging others to unplug may not have as meaningful an experience online as we do in the crafting/quilting community. Before I was invlved with the quilt community, I was part of other communities, and they did not make great use of social media. For years I have said quilters should be the ones to teach everyone else in the world how to use social media. My Facebook newsfeed is a delight every day, full of creativity, color and diverse people from all around the world. It is completely enriching. Unplugging would create a void.
My mom mentioned a while back about seeing a mom with two kids on the train. She was on her phone and one of the kids was trying to get her attention. My mom was making a point about the other woman being too engrossed in the phone to pay attention. I reminded her that she did that, too, when I was little and she was talking on the phone.
I also wonder if things would be different if men were the primary caretakers of children. I have a feeling we wouldn’t be telling them to stop seeking stimulation elsewhere.
Thank you so much for this! I know there are times when I can get overly distracted by the online community, but since February I’ve been blogging about my crafting journey (card making) and I joined Instagram around May, which has been the single best online thing to happen ever. It totally saves my sanity as a mother. I love my little ones, but there are times I need to remember I am me and I also need to do things that I love. It’s one big juggle every day, but I have never been happier since I gave up my job for motherhood and being online with the wonderful crafting community helps me to connect with others, as well as giving me an outlet for my creativity.
Gah, thank you for this! Also sick of being told to “unplug” all the time. I read an article recently that said the problem with smart phones is that people can’t see what we are actually doing. The example they used was our moms going to get their phone book to call a friend – as kids, we knew that was their plan. Or seeing our dads reading the newspaper. I may be looking up a number and texting a friend to make plans, I may be reading the New York Times, I may be looking up recipes for dinner…heck, I might be calculating loan payment scenarios on my phone (I work in finance). But to an outsider, I might as well be playing Farmville or watching cat videos on YouTube! It’s so frustrating!
A hundred times yes! I could be reading, answering emails, talking to my sister via text because that’s the only way we can regularly talk internationally… My husband doesn’t read paper newspapers, but reads the news app when he gets home from work. Same tasks as our parents, but different method.
I’ve moved a lot in my adult life, to the point that I don’t know many people in my community. But, no matter how often I move, my online community stays the same, even if they move too. I can always count on their blog or other social media being there. I can count on their presence in a way I can’t with my own family (who all live far away). With a child, missing connections are felt all the more deeply. The day I got a smart phone was the day my life restarted. I found new inspiration and a new community. I don’t even want to think of the person I would be if I didn’t have that.
Great post, I couldn’t agree more! They talk all the time about unplugging, but if you have a good balance and you really enjoy your plugged time it doesn’t have to be bad. Being connected to other people who share my interests and my obsessions is so enriching, I could not live without that. In fact, as you say, I discovered my own creativity and my own desire to be creative through blogs and the internet, so I am really grateful for the possibility of being plugged.
So can relate to this post, thanks for sharing! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who types with one hand and baby in other.
I think the point is moderation, as with all things in life…
I am so grateful for the Internet and technology personally, because living in a remote area means being physically disconnected to many things,.. At least I can connect online to the many things I could not bring with me abroad.
I agree that we have enough to feel guilty about as Moms… Let’s help each other instead of shaming each other!
always did wonder why your blog had that title!
Abby—My husband was the primary caregiver for our girls when they were babies. I headed back to work after two months since I was self-employed and that’s all the money we had saved for time off. After 25 years of being an out-of-home business woman, I began my new life as a pro quilter. Not going to work each day at an office, caring for my dad in the last year of his life and finally reflecting on many of my life’s choices, I DID regret not being a stay-at-home mom for my two daughters. I can’t turn back the clock but I can say hurrah to any mom who stays the course of caring for her kids. And a double yeah for moms with home-based internet businesses. Happy New Year. P.
Yes, yes and yes!!! You nailed it completely Abby.
(Note: I’ve been doing this mom thing for a week-and-a-half so I reserve the right to change my mind later as I gain more experience!)
I love having a smartphone and being a new parent in a digital age. So far, my iPhone has been a literal lifesaver for my new son, Henry. Our first night home, I knew something was wrong, so while he was nursing I was able to google how long a 48 hour old child should be nursing. Apparently, 45+ minutes of active sucking is NOT normal, just as I suspected. And no, he shouldn’t look so yellow with super dry and cracked skin. My son had jaundice and I wasn’t producing any colostrum, hence his marathon feeding session. I credit my phone to helping us tell his doctor what our suspicions were and getting him seen right away. The other bonus of being plugged in? I was able to make an appointment with the doc for first thing Monday morning from my phone.
Henry’s so much better now and my phone is still our best parenting tool. I’ve got a private Dropbox folder where I’m storing and sharing photos with family everywhere. I have an app that lets me mark down how much formula he’s taken and when, plus how many wet/dirty diapers he has each day. And that app also syncs up with my husband’s phone so Dad can also keep track. We also have a formula maker (it’s like a tiny Kurig machine) that has wifi so with a press of a button on my phone, I can have a bottle made up and ready from another room.
I love technology!
I am a grandmother and I get told I spend too much time on the computer by my Mother-in-law. Yes, it probably cuts into time I could spend with her. She has poor eye sight and hearing that isolate her from the world, but much of what I hear when I do visit is all I am doing wrong. I know there are other things I could be doing and probably should be doing. I lack motivation to get things done, it is easier just to see what others are doing. Putting the stove timer on to break up the time I spend at the computer sometimes helps.
I use to quilt and should get back into it. I have been doing digital pattern designs on Spoonflower for years, I have been taking a break from that lately.
In general. sometimes there is no time for anything but family. The year after my younger daughter was born (she just turned 30 years old), is just a blur in my mind. I had pre-eclampsia and a c-section 5 to 6 weeks early. She weighed 3 lb. and was healthy with a good appetite. When she got going she gained as fast as her 8 lb. 4 oz. sister (who was a week late).
Internet might have helped the tied down feeling, but I am not sure I would have had time for it.
I waited until I was almost forty to begin having children. Retired from my career, read everything I could about motherhood, and was excited about being a mother. No one told me how isolating it could be. The isolation turned me into a resentful and frustrated mom.
Staying connected, however that looks, is essential. Motherhood is all-consuming and you need to go into it with a plan to stay connected to your previous life. I was able to re-emerge as myself when my last child turned six. That is too late.
Congratulations to all mothers who are able to positively morph their lives during the early stages of motherhood. Thank you, Abbey, for bringing this discussion forward, for reaching out to us, and suggesting ways to use current technology to our benefit.
I loved this post, not least because you are promoting breastfeeding (as we call it in the UK) as well as talking about women in business. I forwarded it straight away to a friend of mine who is a new mum. Thank you, Abby.
With best wishes
Amanda (Amanda Jane Textiles)
Thank you so much for what you contribute to the community, Abby.
I started following you a while back, and I gain so much knowledge and insight from you.
I can’t stay home with my daughter right now, but once my husband finishes grad school I hope to stop “working” and stay home to focus not just on my family, but also on developing my quilting/sewing skills to hopefully turn them into something worthwhile.
I am using the internet/social media right now to build my toolbox, so to speak, so that hopefully the transition will be a little easier when I have more time to devote to what I love.
Thanks for being one of my “tools” and for inspiring me to believe that what I want to be doing IS possible.
I think blogs and online communities would have been such a life-saver for me when I was a young mother as frequently I felt quite isolated. These marvels came along after my littles were not-so-little anymore (three daughters, the youngest is 25). The reassurance and advice I see online for young parents is very inspiring. The main thing most of us need as we begin our families is reassurance that we are “doing okay” and that we aren’t alone. Finding a balance is always a challenge, whether it is using technology or time with our mate. Blogs are a means of providing online support.
Thank you Abby! I have these doubts about how I am going with the balance between enjoying time with my lovely baby (or toddler, now, I suppose!) and striving to have my own business. But I do feel like I need something more, and I’m glad to have it there to keep me motivated and energised. So I loved reading your experiences with this, and I thank you for sharing them.
I reached the end of your article with tears in my eyes. You’re so right! We have enough to feel guilty about. I’ve loved being online since I’ve discovered the internet – blogging, drawing, sharing… It’s like second-nature to me. Then motherhood changed my life completely (I mean, seriously, who doesn’t go through that?!) and it’s only now 18 months onwards that I’m getting back on my feet having left everything behind, facing two massive house moves, husband losing his job and fighting post-natal depression. Phew! And that’s all because of being connected, if only online. Thank you Abby! People like you DO MAKE the world a BETTER place!
Wonderful article, Abby! I was in the corporate world (HR-IT Project Manager) for about 13 years before I had my son and became a stay-at-home-mom. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but absolutely missed the plugged in feeling! For me, that was where blogging and crafting/quilting came in. I love my son more than words can say – but leaving my former self abruptly to shift gears and stay home was not only a sudden change but a bit of an identity crisis as well. Reinventing myself online – or perhaps better said as redirecting my energy into a creative online business – provided (and continues to provide) me with the outlet I need to be a better mom and person.
So well put!
What a great post! So nice to see this validating point of view!
This is exactly how I feel about It. Thank you, Abby!
In 2004 I was put on bed rest due to pre-eclampsia and ama (advanced maternal age). One day I was a happy pregnant accounting manager and the next day cutoff from the outside word. My work email shutoff after the company’s HR manager caught me communicating with my team and I was left with nothing but day time TV. My bed rest was short lived as I was induced and gave birth the following week to 4lb preemie boy but not the loneliness. In between the every 4 hour feedings I found an online mom’s group but it had too much drama, same with face to face groups when I eventually got out of my nursing nightgown and ventured to the playgrounds.
It wasn’t till many years later that I discovered FB, set up my shop on Etsy and then found Pinterest, Tumbler and Instagram. Not only have a made many crafting friends that I can relate too but I have also connected to my many cousins that live 3,000 miles away. No I will not un-plug or give up my iPhone, it will keep me sane through the many wait periods of motherhood and then keep me company through the empty nest period.
I remember the one-handed (sometimes left-handed!) typing on the computer while I nursed each of my boys…! But in a way, I’m glad I didn’t have a smart-phone…
I know what you mean, Abby. My 3 girls are hitting teenage-years and are as much online and plugged in as I am these days. I think it is liberating not having to be behind your computer. Reading on your smartphone makes it more flexible. And we do take off-time, baking cookies and playing board-games. It’s a balanced combo 😉
Thank you mothers that are here sharing the truth and breaking down yet another bogus image society has created for women. Not enjoying all the BS that comes with motherhood doesn t make you a bad person or a bad mother, it makes you a human being, and I m sure that if most other mothers could give up their, I m a perfect mom facade, they d be right here with you. High five ladies, you are some strong women!