Language is important. The words we use to describe ourselves end up defining us.
Last week I saw these photos taken at International Quilt Festival in Houston.
Photos courtesy Bill Volckening.
I was struck by the function of the word “husband” to describe the lounge and reached out to Bob Ruggiero, Director of Publications & Public Information at Quilts, Inc. to find out how it got that name.
He told me that the “husbands’ lounge” has been part of the event for eight years. “After seeing many men spend hours sitting in chairs lined in the hallway during the show and speaking with them, a large number said they wished there was a ‘husband’s area’ where they could be away from the hustle and bustle of the show until their wives were done for the day,” he said. “The response has been nothing but positive from both men and women…it is in no way gender specific or exclusive – any given time of the day there are female Festivalgoers in there as well.”
Ruggiero went on to say, “It’s something we feel is important to provide, because we would never want a potential Festivalgoer to have to miss out on the show because they are unable to travel there alone. And we want to provide a positive experience for those who accompany others to the show, but don’t necessarily have an interest in quilting.”
International Quilt Festival is a physically enormous show and it makes sense to provide a lounge for those who need to rest or just get away from the fray, but I would argue that the word “husbands’” here does more harm than good.
This event is one of the largest and most esteemed quilt shows in the world. More than 50,000 people attend the show and it gets significant press coverage. A “husbands’ lounge” at such a prestigious event sends the message that quilters are a particular sort of person; specifically that they’re heterosexual, married, and female.
Quilt designer Molli Sparkles describes his reaction to the “husbands’ lounge” this way: “When I drag my better half, Mr. Sparkles, to a fabric shop we often joke that he’ll be on the lookout for the ‘boyfriend chair.’ However, to see this same concept institutionalized by a large program such as International Quilt Festival is at once naive and narrow-minded.”
Quilt designer, artist, and author Thomas Knauer feels that the name of the lounge sends a message of exclusion. “It’s a great big sign that says, ‘Thomas, you don’t belong here. You’re not allowed to like these things.’”
Journalist and creative entrepreneur Grace Dobush also feels the term “husband” is exclusionary. “I’m rolling my eyes at that lounge. I understand that it’s trying to be cute, but it’s a joke based on heteronormative standards. They could have branded the lounge as a relaxation haven or quiet zone or sports corner or whatever, but instead they’ve gendered it unnecessarily. What this says is that queer women don’t exist in quilting, which isn’t true. Whether or not it was an intentional jab is irrelevant; this is an everyday case of erasure.”
I realize that not everyone agrees that the word is problematic. For quilter Kay Sorenson, the lounge is definitely a welcoming feature at the show. “I do think this is a great idea,” she says. “There are women who can’t drive and rely on their husbands to drive them. Some men just are not comfortable with a throng of women and are happy to just sit and watch a TV or talk to other likeminded men. If they let everyone in here it would defeat the purpose. It is not sexist, just good business on the part of the show organizers.”
And quilter Barbara Garrett concurs. “There are women who for one of many reasons are unable to drive themselves to quilting events, and depend on their wonderfully supportive husbands to do the driving — that’s why they came — to support their wife’s quilting hobby and be there for her,” Garrett explains. “I think the planners of Festival should be congratulated for providing this…It doesn’t say every husband must sit in here. It doesn’t say or imply that every male attending will want to be in here.”
Still, I would argue that the word “husband” doesn’t serve a positive purpose when describing the lounge. Quilts, Inc. is in the position to lead the way in broadening the definition of who is a quilter and removing this word would be a step in the right direction.
International Quilt Festival isn’t the only venue in the quilting industry that has adopted gendered language for a lounge. Earlier this year Missouri Star Quilt Company opened “Man’s Land,” a storefont lounge in Hamilton, Missouri. Reviving the name of a long-closed clothing and barber shop in town, Man’s Land is furnished with leather recliners, a pool table, and a television.
Again, the idea of a lounge is a good one. Hamilton has become a destination for quilters and Missouri Star now has 11 fabric shops for them to visit. Providing a welcoming place to rest or to relax while your companion shops is wise.
Yet the language used to describe the purpose of the lounge serves to narrowly define quilters. “Behind every woman in a quilt shop is a man carrying 15+ bolts of fabric and begging her to stop buying more!” reads the blog post announcing the opening of Man’s Land in Febraury. “…Man’s Land is warm, rustic and inviting so you’ll feel right at home… and maybe forget about how much money your wife is spending on fabric.” By this narrow definition a quilter is a heterosexual, married woman without an independent income.
Knauer says this description belittles women. “It’s the sitcom trope of shoe shopping, contingent on women going on a frivolous shopping trip that’s tolerated by a benevolent husband,” he explains.
Like Quilts, Inc., Missouri Star’s prominence puts it in the public eye. The company is one of the most well-known quilt shops in the country. It’s been featured in the Wall Street Journal , and last year won the small business of the year award from Federal Small Business Administration. Even if they keep the name for historic reasons, a shift in the language used to describe the purpose of Man’s Land could go a long way.
It’s not just large companies that could benefit from a more conscious use of inclusive language, to learn more how can you achieve this when targeting other cultures like Asian, check this higher Chinese tuition centre. We as quilters could be more thoughtful, too. I was talking recently with Rose DeBoer, the managing editor of Modern Patchwork Magazine, about one of the most commonly used words in the quilting world: “stash.”
“Stash sounds like a guilty thing,” she said, “but these are your materials. They’re worthy and shouldn’t be hidden. It’s a default, but we need to look at our own default words and examine them.”
“As adult women we should treat our needs and desires seriously. They’re important, not silly,” DeBoer said, suggesting that we search for words that don’t imply a need for secrecy when describing the supplies that fuel our passion.
As DeBoer wisely noted, “Words are so incredibly powerful. It might seem cute or funny, but they can actually perpetuate not treating women as talented individuals.”
It does matter and it normalizes the attitude which means there are extreme ends, and yes – outright homophobia.
My husbands occasionally sews or quilts, as he does many other crafts. he wouldn’t identify as a sewist, but more a crafter or maker.
With that in mind, we were both at Large Fabric Chain looking for fabrics – me for one project and a specific need, and him for fabrics for a quilt he was planning. So he was the one browsing slowly, testing choices etc and I was the one standing to the side wishing he’d hurry up already. 🙂
That’s fair enough, but as we wandered back and forth between two rows, we almost bumped in to another family: a mom, a pre teen daughter, and the husband. No real interaction but a quick, “oops, sorry!” where the women half smiled at each other.
My husband said to me later in the car, after our purchases were done and after I noticed the other family had hustled out of there very quickly, that the husband had shot him a deadly look first,then a half sneer and a recoil as he skirted a wide berth around him.
Yes, really.
Because the other man was outright embarrassed and angered at being seen in a a fabric store (of all places) and it being witnessed by another man. (*gasps* clutches pearls)
So yes – the language does indeed matter.
I have had similar experience.s. “Holding things for your wife?”
“No. But my husband is around here someplace.”
The sneers and recoils from the man with the woman and preteen were probably because the guy thought your hubs was your friend and a gay man shopping for fabric.
Let’s not get started on how some men are treated at or told not to come to retreats. The retreaters I am with (usually about 30-40 and me, the only guy) are just fine with it. When I am using the restroom or shower, I hang a necktie on the door. It really is that simple to be courteous and inclusive. And if anyone sneered at me, I’d ask if there was an issue. Not a “guy thing”, just inquisitive as to why (knowing perfectly well already).
But HUGE appreciation to those quilters that are more worried about that scant quarter inch than the gender of the person next to them!
A waiting area for those tired of standing is a great idea! And not just for drivers, spouses, friends, etc., but for those doing a lot of standing and shopping and spending the money.
Thanks for writing this. I feel like we all do ourselves a disservice with this type of husband thing. It makes our love for creating somehow illegitimate. It’s this hobby that we should be partly ashamed of because it’s not “manly” and not what the breadwinner is spending his money on.
By being inclusive we make everyone better.
Appreciate the article, Abby.
I cringe when I see things like this and today it’s particularly disturbing.
Did the quilt festival say anything about renaming the lounge to something more neutral?
No, they didn’t. I hope they’ll consider it, though.
Maybe “Significant Other Sanctuary”? Anything that doesn’t put a gender in the title would be a great start.
That implies that people ar there with a SO. Being unmarried, what if I go with my mother, or Sister in Law? My nephew? My father? Or Brother?
See how difficult it is?
This is why I’m asking: Why give a label at all? Why not simply say “welcome, have a seat”?
Or, why not “Rest Area”? Sometimes at these big events, I get overwhelmed by stimuli and creative overload, and my knees start to hurt (arthritis). I wouldn’t mind having a ‘time out’ room for recovery!
great option!
Or even just The Lounge.
I recently commented on a podcast because the conversation was about muddy colors that were not desirable and called them granny colors. Ageism is a thing, and this grandmother of four notices words that exclude.
A week ago I would have said, “Are you kidding me? This is the sign they are using… in 2016?!” But I guess we all know now that, in 2016, sexism, homophobia, discrimination based on marriage status, are all still very much alive. It is very frustrating that the sign/concept is still being defended, though. It very easily could be a “lounge.”
Why is it when someone disagrees with you they are labeled…sexist, homophobic, discriminatory? Last I checked this was still America and we still had a right to our opinions (thoughts, beliefs) except if they don’t agree with yours. Right?
You are correct., though to the other respondant, I didn’t see her naming individuals. But it is in plain site everywhere, everyday when people open their eyes and realize. And THAT is my opinion.
From a sociological perspective, it has occurred to me that this is one of the reasons for the existence of the “Modern Quilt Guild.” It’s not just the visual aesthetic of the quilts that is modern, it’s also a forward-looking expression of inclusive and progressive values. Even quilting is subject to social schism. Which is probably not a great thing, but…there it is.
I have been quilting many years. I belong to the Modern Quilt Guild and to another Quilt Guild. I find the Modern Guild is not as inclusive as the other Guild. This is an observation and not a criticism. The Modern Guild only wants to see Modern Quilts and bright colors and have been told by the President that at “show n tell” they want to see only Modern Quilts. The Quilt Guild which is viewed as a traditional Quilt Guild discusses modern techniques, coordinates modern classes by bringing in modern teachers along with those of more traditional quilting techniques and constructions and you can “show n tell” any quilt of any category, traditional as well as modern.
So in my experience the Modern Quilt Guild has been more exclusive. Again this is not a criticism, I love quilting and belonging to two different quilds assists me in enjoying the many facets of my beloved craft.
These assumptions and this restrictively gendered use of language is one reason I was not interested in quilting when I was younger. As a young feminist, I didn’t want to participate in something that felt so defined by traditional roles. Now I know better and can enjoy the craft for its own sake. Signs like “Husbands’ lounge” bug me, obviously, but it’s good that this conversation is happening. It’s a start.
Wonderfully well written article! What really bothered me about the husbands lounge is the stark difference between that room and the room they setup for nursing mothers. The mothers lounge had 4 folding chairs and 2 tables in it… that’s it.
That is maddening. Breastfeeding should be encouraged, not demeaned. The young mothers who have braved this show were probably absorbing the show (and buying) very quickly. Make it easier for them!
I didn’t realize that, Hilary. If you, or anyone, has a picture of the nursing mothers area that you’d be willing to share I’d like to see it. Thank you.
This seems more discriminatory than the words used. Equality has not yet been achieved until we all get folding chairs or we all get recliners. I’ve never nursed, but it can’t have been comfortable for the mother or the baby on a folding chair whilst those who aren’t taking care of infants get to recline leisurely in front of a TV. Nice job Quilts, Inc. in continuing to perpetuate discrimination not in name only, but also in amenities provided. You value “husbands” above mothers and children. Thank goodness you were not running the White Star line when the Titanic sunk! There would have been big sturdy boats for the men and little inflatable rafts for the women and children. Y’all do know that was over 100 years ago, and they at least put women and children first?! Backward and backward we go…!
Well said!
I, personally, refuse to use the term “selfish sewing.” First of all, I love to sew, so by definition, all my sewing is selfish. Second, it gives the message that because I am a woman, I should not be allowed to do anything for my own pleasure.
I use the term “selfish sewing” but only because most of my sewing is for work, so when I get to sew for myself It’s a huge treat.
But I can also see your view of the term. Just shows how people views things differently.
I love this comment. Women’s work and women’s expression is not selfish, frivolous, or in any way lesser. Thank you!
i appreciate this post even more so given the timing – as we are realizing just how many of our fellow quilters support homophobia, sexism and racism (and other bigotry!), it’s refreshing to see you speak out about something that is so frequently dismissed as “political correctness” or being “oversensitive”.
words do matter, and the sexist and heterosexist attitudes around quilting that quilters themselves perpetuate do nothing but harm other quilters.
there are several traditional guilds in my area who advertise “free admission for husbands” for their shows and i find it so discouraging. that assumes that husbands aren’t quilters, that assumes that men aren’t quilters, that assumes that all women are interested in quilting (when really, I’ve had partners in the past who would have been just as bored as they assume the husbands are!)
When I was at Houston, I was deep in the thick of a sciatica flare up. I so wanted to sit in the Husband’s Lounge for a few minutes but that sign scared me away. It was hard to find a chair anywhere, and much harder to find a comfortable one. I ended up sitting on the floor more than once.
For anyone that is interested:
Bob Ruggiero
Director of Publications & Public Information
713-781-6864, ext. 116
bobr@quilts.com
Rhianna Griffin
New Media Manager
713-781-6864, ext. 117
rhiannag@quilts.com
I think this is trivial and doesn’t matter. Don’t we have more pressing problems to solve?
In the last two paragraphs of the article, Rose DeBoer herself made the craft of quilting gender specific when she said “…as adult women we should…”. HELLO!
And yes, Sandy, there are other problems to solve, but this one could be solved easy if people would just stop and THINK. As a male quilter /instructor for over 25 years, some of the things that have been said to me (as well as other male sewists) would surprise most of the quilting world.
Ken,
Glad that you are here to give a voice to male sewists. I think often people can’t relate to an issue if it doesn’t personally affect them. We need to think beyond ourselves and our personal needs. Inclusion of everyone is essential for a healthy society.
Words are absolutely important. They affect how we think, how we think affects how we behave, and how we behave affects other people — like people who have to live being constantly excluded by the culture that surrounds them.
Thank you for bringing this up with Quilts Inc., Abby!
Thank you! I’m tired of everyone being so sensitive about things.
It doesn’t matter what you name it someone will be offended. You could say Hi to 100 people and one of them would be offended. Lets concentrate on the big problems in the world.
Well said!
I am “kinda” with you Sandy! I have been single all my life (in my retirement years now) and have many times faced the “husband” thing… so, when I see a sign like that I just chuckle and go on, knowing someone has not thought that through and is just trying to be funny! Life is tooooo short! However, a simple Rest Area would work as well.
Thanks for this. It is important.
It is in small, everyday ways that sexism, homophobia, heteronormativity etc. are continually reproduced. When speaking of exclusion and the perpetuation of discrimination, there is no example too small that ought not be noticed and commented on. (Not that this is actually all that small given the multibillion dollar industry that is the quilting world.)
Well done.
You said it all, Emma! Thanks.
It is all important (words, attitude, subtle behaviors) and it all matters otherwise we will not see change. I am surprised that they would do this when inclusion is such an important concept. It is offensive to me. They are back in the 50’s. It has all been said in the previous comments.
Great post, as always, Abby. Thank you.
Rather than having a “Husband’s Lounge” would it be more appropriate to have a “breakout room” and simply better facilities to sit down and relax? I have been to several Quilting shows in the last few years where not all the floorspace has been taken up, there’s whole swathes of empty space…..but can I find an empty seat when I can just sit down and catch my breath?
Set out chairs of various heights, bring in bean bags (quilted even!), rig up a TV or radio in the corner, have some tables as necessary, have a seperate breastfeeding area (cos we know how offended people can be at a child being fed discreetly and women really like having their breasts being stared at by the easily offended), set up a way of buying not-overpriced-water (not to take away from the catering facilities elsewhere), maybe a few magaines lying around? Howzat for a suggestion?
Agree, all it needs to say is “lounge” or “breakout room”, whatever. It really is so simple.
You are right! Words do matter! (And elections have consequences! ) I remember when I was there in 2015, that word felt exclusive. ..what if I needed a break in a comfortable chair? Would I have been welcome? Would I be subjected to “looks” and locker – room talk because it was for “husbands”?..all of these thoughts shot through my mind as I wandered past. I can only imagine how it made LGBTQ patrons feel. As far as MSQ in Hamilton and their ” Man Land”, our Modern Quilt Guild had considered a retreat there. However, they have no facilities for our male members and we decided that,if they couldn’t be inclusive, we would go elsewhere.
Words are important because of the impressions they make and the feelings they invoke!
Thank you for this article. Let the discussion begin!
I hope you told MSQC about your concerns. I really lle the company and feel they would be open to feedback, especially from a group that wants to schedule a retreat. They deserve to know how to do better (and likewise, you deserve to take your business wherever you want!)
Well, it is Missouri in a predominantly Mormon area (as are the owners of MSQC – that’s why the Doans moved there). 🙂
It just reminded me that I don’t have a husband and that I’m not married.
Don’t forget the many quilting widows.
OMG! Let’s just get rid of the lounge all together. That way all of the uber PC public won’t have a heart attack.
This is getting ridiculous. It’s a lounge.
I don’t think that renaming a lounge (that is open to everyone) something that makes that fact clear is “uber PC.” What’s wrong with being clear that everyone is welcome?
I agree with Carmen and Barbara. Find a different soap box and lets get back to quilting.
I am noticing, as I read through these comments, that the people who think this discussion is “ridiculous” are all women who fit the stereotyped norm that the language “Husband’s Lounge” is reinforcing. That’s like a bunch of white people saying that talking about racism is a waste of time.
I’m a heterosexual married quilting woman, but I also have two creative teenaged sons who are art-lovers and who love to accompany me to quilt shows. My oldest boy has even taken EQ7 software classes at a quilt show, which he really enjoyed. As a mom of boys, it pisses me off that the quilt show hangs up a big sign telling my sons that they are supposed to want to sit and watch sports on TV instead of getting excited by all the gorgeous quilts and creative possibilities at the show. Boys get SO MANY negative cultural messages about what they can’t be and can’t do without compromising their masculinity. My younger son was even teased in elementary school because I packed a pink Jello in his lunch box. Girls are told they can be anything, do anything — but gender stereotypes go both ways. Our girls are going to keep on running into brick walls that impede their success as long as we keep telling our boys that a whole realm of the human experience — colors, crafts, creativity, dancing, cooking, you name it — is off-limits to them and “only for girls and sissies.”
Another great piece, Abby! I wish I could remember the podcast, but recently I was listening to one where the two women were going on and on about all the same old “husband tropes” in regard to their work – and these were successful quilters who are running businesses that definitely aren’t hobbies or husband-funded, so it didn’t even make sense – and it just really jumped out how out of touch the conversation sounded. A lounge for anyone who wants to relax is a great idea; “lounge” or “break room” or “rest area” and a myriad of other phrases would all work and would be more accurate. (And it’s better business – the more welcome they make their customers at these events, the more likely they are to spend money.)
It’s an outdated idea. Just call it a lounge and join the 21st century. Can we at least agree that we all like to sit down sometimes? I think the sewing and quilting world would be very smart not only to appeal to younger women, as some companies are finally doing now, but also to try to bring more men into the fold. Why market a product to only half the population?
great point
It may be an outdated idea in your world but not in the world to which this show generally markets. It is not QuiltCon! It’s a traditional Quilt Show. Many of those attending are elderly, they have elderly spouses. These women don’t drive and do have to have their spouse give them a ride. Their traditional spouses. 8 years ago, they decided to offer a refuge for these spouses. It was done as a kindness. Now it’s offensive. I am, quite honestly, sick to death of everyone finding conflict and offense everywhere you turn. Sometimes you just have to choose to enjoy your life and enjoy your time at an event without allowing something to OFFEND you. It’s time to grow up and be more tolerant. Yeah, you have to learn tolerance, too – tolerance of things that are different from what you wish. It goes both ways.
I wholeheartedly agree! Thanks for giving your thoughts Jerry
Here’s an analogy:
You don’t go to a liquor store to buy milk and bread. Are they exclusive? No, they just sell liquor.
You don’t read a murder story in hopes to find a romantic story. It’s a mystery.
Sometimes labels assist folks in this very broad selection world to direct their chosen path and aid in decisions. Sometimes a little bit of humor is invilved to bring smiles to faces where there are too many tears.
There are lots of ways to use specific words to demarcate what a particular area (or store) is for, and lots of ways to infuse humor into the everyday, without choosing gendered language that is exclusionary and reinforces stereotypes.
I don’t have a stash, but I am proud of my small (still growing) fabric resource collection. Words do matter. But what matters even more is attitude. Kudos to the event planners for realizing that many quilters are bringing supportive family members along. Making everyone feel welcome will bring attendees back. A step in the right direction. Maybe next time the sign will be changed to “Pit Stop Lounge”. 😉
thanks for letting me know about Missouri Star Quilt Co. I have many quilt shops at my leisure–between my home and that one. I don’t need to shop in a store that assumes that I would be an “other” and not the primary quilter in our home. The first quilt shop I ever visited, I went with a check book and the desire to buy a new top of the line sewing machine. They wouldn’t even wait on me until my “wife” came to try the machines. I don’t have a wife, and I was buying for myself. They obviously thought I was lying.
they are out of business now, and deserve to be. I’ll keep shopping at the stores that appreciate my male-quilterness.
We need more role models like you Kevin, keep going, keep telling your story, and most importantly, keep spending money in the places that support you. Sometimes money is all that counts!
Do you have a blog, and do you want to guest post on mine?
I’ve been mulling on this and think the “husbands lounge” is a symptom, not the problem.
Language is still at fault as long as we allow men to think of sewing as “women’s work”, that it has no value, and that we allow our children, of all genders and persuasions to grow up thinking of crafts, books and jobs as gender specific. If we want our girls to be scientists, astronauts, engineers, then we have to make sure our boys see the same value in sewing, knitting, weaving and crafting.
Then there will be no need for a husbands lounge. Cisco everyone will be shopping and sitting together
Abby, thank you for investigating and writing such an important piece. It frustrates me that so much of the crafting business seems to be “behind in the times” when the crafters are often anything but. This issue reminds me of how we treat students in a classroom, too. We are inclusive to all no matter what someone is interested in, or what abilities they have.
I have never been to a big quilt show but I do quilt and have opinions. There really isn’t any valid reason to have rooms and activities divided by gender. Even washrooms can be designed to be safe for anyone to use. I spend time at a quilting store that is quite happy with both genders (haven’t had an opportunity to see them with GLBTQ folks, but I’d guess it wouldn’t make any difference to the friendly, helpful service).
I applaud the guy who was treated badly when he entered a store to buy a sewing machine. That must be the guy equivalent of going to buy a car at some places while being a woman. My daughter was ignored, put down and basically insulted when she went to buy one. She totally enjoyed returning there the next week in her brand new car purchased from another outlet in the same city (exactly the make and model she wanted to buy at the first place!)
What would be the problem with having two or more relaxing places – possibly one looking traditionally male and one looking comfy for nursing mothers?
Well I tried commenting earlier but I don’t see it here now! So I must have not clicked the “post” button.
Anyway, my basic reaction to this is yes, THANK YOU for bringing this up. When I was younger (teen, young adult) I wasn’t interested in quilting in part because I didn’t like how restrictive the community felt. As a feminist, I thought I didn’t have a place there, and it made me squirm. Interestingly, that had little to do with my own creative interests and more to do with my notions of what it means to be a feminist. Now I’m older and ostensibly wiser and know that I should just do the crafting I like (which does include quilting, occasionally) and not worry about stereotypes and even push back against the ones that make me uncomfortable. I see people like that in the crafting world online and it’s empowering and encouraging.
Now, having said that, my mom (who is rather traditional, but not conservative) fits right into the stereotypical quilter demographic – senior citizen, white, married, hetero – and I’m proud to say that I have learned LOADS from her about all kinds of domestic activities (sewing, knitting, cooking, quilting) that I once might have rejected for being too “domestic” and therefore anti-feminist. I know now to appreciate those skills and respect those who have taught me.
My parents visited Hamilton, MO last summer so my mom could go to Missouri Star. It was more or less on their way home from a family reunion, so they took a detour. My dad commented about the “Man Cave” that it was just a bunch of chairs and TVs and didn’t look appealing in the least except that it was probably air-conditioned (it was really hot that day).
Shoving people into categories with a sign like “husbands’ lounge” might at first seem cute or amusing, but when you look a little deeper it gets annoying and then when you really think about it, it’s insulting and hurtful. It’s important to call attention to these things!
Replying to myself here to say that I see my earlier comment was published. Apologies for the redundancies! But I fleshed out my thoughts a little more in this one.
Really?? You couldn’t find anything more significant to write about Festival. The title of the lounge is not meant to put down anyone or group of people. It has nothing to do with sexual preference or lack of one. I guess you want a politically correct title for the spot.
Thank you! This post by Abbey might just have me leaving her blog. I’ve taken myself off several lists recently. And this one may be next.
i couldnt find a place to comment so i will add to giggi. my gut feeling when reading this is, when is enough enough? do we have to complain about everything? cant we just go sit in the area and shut up? this is one of the reasons i dont consider myself a feminist. the rhetoric that surrounds it. i get that its exclusionary at its core. but was it meant to be? no. i dont it. could someone have said something to the organizers behind the scenes so that next year there is a “better” sign?? why do we feel the need to call everyone out on social media? and while we are on the topic, since it was brought up, i work in a mom and pop, small quilt shop. missouri star quilt co. is no such thing. make no mistake she is BIG business. any shop that can avoid a whole store front of leather chairs and tvs for shoppers friends, is no small shop. i really wish people would stop putting her shop in that category. she is no different than craftsy in my book. they are both doing harm to the little shops, whether anyone wants to admit it or not.
You are spot on! All of these big on line retail shops hurt the mom and pop shops. I’ve watched 8 local shops close in the past few years. They can’t compete with this huge on line shops. And I guess I’m old fashioned but the words “husbands lounge” is not offensive in any way!
Thanks, Hazel, for bringing up the issue of buying a car. I’m a widow who had a difficult time getting help when I wanted to buy a car . . . but instead of going back and showing the sales person that I actually did buy a car from another dealership, I called the owner of the first dealership. In the big picture he’s the one who missed the sale. And life is too short to take offense when small-minded folks are rude. I choose to not get upset and let that stress ruin a perfectly good day.
I do have to admit that I’m a little tired of all the PC nitpicking. If I organized a wonderful quilt exhibit with thousands and thousands of beautiful fabric art pieces on display — with classes and panels giving helpful information — with a gazillion booths offering wares — and with a week’s worth of activities that just explode your creativity, I would be a little dis-heartened to see so many comments about the name of the lounge.
And if I turned a corner at the quilt show and saw that name on display, it would have made me smile and think of a great man who would have loved sitting in one of those chairs, chatting with new friends while I shopped. But that’s just me.
However, I applaud that we have the freedom to discuss our feelings. Go forth and conquer, all.
Instead of being thankful for what is, “someone” always tries to make it wrong. Of course many things need improvement–as the show personnel said, this area had been requested. Have you been to the show? Wouldn’t you say that the most of the attending quilters are adult women who are married? From what I’ve experienced, quilters welcome everyone who shares their passion, but if it becomes another arena for the PC crowd it will detract from the joy.
Thank you, Leslie, for your response of 11/14. Perhaps we need to remember to build people up, instead of tearing them down.
I think it does build people up to have signage that’s inclusive to everyone.
Well said, Gigi. Our messages crossed on the wires. You get my vote.
Great article Abby! Language is important, and the name “Husband’s Lounge” is exclusive – it excludes people. The quilting industry should be more inclusive, and not just on the basis of gender – how about welcoming all genders, ages and ethnicities. My suggestion is “Quilters’ Support Team Lounge” …
Perfect
So it would be exclusively for non-quilters then?
Yes!
Change is needed here.
Language can be a weapon.
Keep the lounge, change the name
It’s fascinating to me to see the dialogue here, especially those that are on the defense. “Just get rid of the lounge!” isn’t going to help the issue. The issue isn’t the lounge, it’s the non-inclusiveness of the NAME of the loungethat’s the issue. Just like Man Cave at MSQC is. My partner happens to be a man, but I’d be willing to bet he wouldn’t set foot in the Man Cave for fear of homophobia whereas if it were called Relaxation Destination (or something like that) he wouldn’t think twice.
As has been said over and over here, it is about the word choice.
if you were married, would you call him your “husband”? Why do we have to continue to be offended to the point of not even using the lounge? Doesn’t make sense.
Yes. He would probably call his spouse, his husband. That’s how it works.
Try seeing it from his Partner’s point of view and not from your own. That’s called Empathy. If you want people to accept you and your complaints (because by the third comment repeating the same message, is considered a complaint now, instead of a comment),then please try seeing it from someone’s point of view.
This is actually a simple situation. The thing that is the problem, are the people that are not open to change. What is going to happen, is when you don’t try to be inclusive, you will eventually find yourself excluded.
You might think this is a silly topic, but you are failing to see the Bigger Picture. It’s 2016, not 1955. The younger people don’t find 1955 to be appealing, at all. Not everyone has husbands, not everyone dates men, and not everyone wants a partner at all. That’s why the Husband’s Lounge leaves a bad taste in people’s mouth.
If you thought people complained about things now, it’s going to get much worse for you. We are being forced to make new barrier lines to force the public acceptance, be accepting of ALL. The election has some to do with it.
There are MANY young creatives that are advocates for gay, lesbian, transgender, addicts, and other people you may not think you are familiar with.
I’m trying in a nice, respectful way, that if you are offended, you should get over that offense now. There is not going to be any stopping until everyone is accepted and equal. Because no one likes a complainer. If you fail to not heed my advice, do not be surprised when your group becomes smaller. Many are striving to become more positive. Your Ego is full of fear (and that’s ok), and you fear what is unfamiliar. Just because you don’t see it as a problem, doesn’t mean we are too sensitive, it might mean you aren’t sensitive enough.
Again, I’m trying to be VERY respectful. I have seen people become bitter and negative because they decided not to be accepting of something. The world is changing for the better right now. It’s a time to decide whether you can become tolerant of other differences. If you can’t, that’s fine too. But don’t be surprised when your quilting world gets small.
Let’s all stop telling each other we are bothered by PC/being sensitive, and just come together in Peace and Love of all. We ALL love sewing and we are all the same in the inside. Let’s make a great example to the world that we come together for a purpose out of love. That’s why I was drawn to the quilting world. Let’s not fall apart now, bc of differences.
I don’t need anyone telling me how to respond. Because if you don’t respect my opinion, aren’t you being exactly like those who don’t respect yours? Exclusive! I’m open to all the things you accuse me of not being open to. I just think whining about the word “husband” is petty. Show me some nice quilts! Not a picture of a sign and stir the pot of dissent.
Just to be clear, I don’t make many quilts. I design stuffed animals and I write about the sewing and quilting industry. I advocate for designers and I write about about entrepreneurship for creative people. There are lots of quilting blogs out there with pictures of beautiful quilts, but that isn’t the focus of my blog. If you’d like to see pictures of the award winning quilts you could check out the International Quilt Association website instead: http://www.quilts.org/winners.html
Yes I realized zen that. But isn’t this a post about quilt market? Sorry if I’ve come off as complaining. I usually enjoy reading your blog posts. I just felt this one was petty.
This is a blog post about the words we use to describe quilters and quilting and how those words can influence our behavior, sometimes without us even realizing it. I’ve used a few examples to illustrate this idea including one from International Quilt Festival, one from Missouri Star, and one from our day to day vocabulary.
You have said exactly what I was thinking. Thank you.
The quilting world is getting smaller. Recently I spoke with a fabric salesman. He told me that 120 shops had closed in his territory (Michigan, Ohio and Indiana) in the past year.
If we continue to exclude groups that are different than ours, we will become extinct.
I don’t see why a person’s skin color, gender, sexual preference or anything else should make a difference. If anything, it makes our world more interesting. Things are always changing, so embrace it!
In case you’re wondering, I’m a white female in my 60’s and heterosexual. Who cares? I’m just a quilter.
Maybe this conversation began about a lounge, but there is a lot more at stake.
It’s a lounge. Just call it that. Some see it’s name as proof of homophobic and gender bias tendencies. I see a group who are perpetuating a joke at their customers’ expense. The whole inside joke “don’t let your life partner know what you are doing ????” has never been a good sales tool. It’s immature and doesn’t show respect for their customers.
As I lay here in my comfy bed reading I am suddenly outraged. For heaven sakes I am with Carmen, Barbara S and Giggi. It’s a lounge anyone can, could, did, and does use it. When there are so many “issues” in the world why does the name of a place to park your butt really matter? Not one of the quilt shows I’ve attended in France, Germany, the Netherlands, Ireland or England provides such a place, at best a few chairs or benches where many go to eat their packed lunch, and I’m certain the many husbands ( or shall I say partners so as not to offend anyone) trailing after the quilter or crafter would be delighted to have such a place on offer.
The whole breastfeeding issue is something else. It has always been a fraught issue in the USA but in Europe it’s much more acceptable to do it anywhere not in some side room. This has always sadden me.
I grew up in Oregon and have lived in England since 1981 and the divide between our cultures goes ever wider. I’ve got to stop before I get anymore outraged.
I love this post. I keep meaning to write blogs about this kind of thing. Acts like this in the quilting hobby are the reasons that I as a pansexual, polyamorous, non-gender-confirming individual feel like it’s constantly screaming at me “THIS HOBBY IS NOT FOR YOU!”
I also really like your point about calling your quilting materials a ‘stash’ as if it were something illicit like drugs. When women (and it always is women) on quilting groups talk about how they hope their husband finds out how much it cost I’m embarrassed for them and I feel sorry that they have partners who think so little of their hobby. We shouldn’t be ashamed of something we love to do, and we shouldn’t need to hide from our partners what we love.
Thanks Charlie for raising the importance of people having pride in the things that they love to do. I am very proud of my fabric resources and my creations. I find that crafting hobbies are often viewed as frivolous. A phrase that makes me cringe is “let’s get this cleaning done so we can play” Crafting is not a game. It’s an essential part of who we are. Language is so important. I’m proud to say that this afternoon all 1500 students at the school where I teach will be hearing an awesome speaker about inclusion through our words and actions.
This has been an interesting post which has stirred up many different points of view. I agree that the room is misnamed, and may discourage other people from visiting the area, and I’m horrified to read about the lack of a comfortable breastfeeding area. But what really jarred me in the initial article was the comment made by Grace Dobush – “……… What this says is that queer women don’t exist in quilting, which isn’t true. ……”
Really Grace – “Queer women?” what kind of offensive homophobic description is that? As we are discussing, language matters.
Queer is a word embraced by the gay and lesbian community. LGBTQ – that q is for queer. It’s not homophobic.
I used the word queer to include both gay and bisexual women, not as a slur. People outside the gay community (which I am a member of) might not know this, but the word queer has been embraced recently as an all encompassing term for nonheteronormative sexual and gender identities. Hope that helps clear things up!
Thank you Grace for having the courtesy to respond – I haven’t heard the expression used here in the UK, but perhaps it is – I shall have to enquire of my gay friends! I stand corrected 🙂
Seriously…The folks doing this complaining are also the same folks that think we need clearly defined labels for different bathrooms….
After reading your article, I will be more aware of what words I use regarding quilters. I’ve been quilting for 40 years. Some of the phrases used are exclusive. They were just words that people used and not thought about. I don’t try to exclude anyone in other areas of my life, so I will be more cognizant of my words in the future. Thank you!
Regarding nursing mothers – I nursed my 2 daughters and never encountered any backlash from breastfeeding in public. Both of my daughters have heard comments that weren’t positive. They have heard more that were! A nursing room should be more comfortable and available to woman who don’t want to breastfeed in public. That does not mean all nursing moms must only breastfeed there. It isn’t something to be hidden away. The people who are uncomfortable with it are free to move on. If women hide while feeding their child, it will never be normalized. Whatever did people do before baby bottles?
As for a “stash”, mine is my fabric pallete. It has been gathered over time because fabric colors are changing all the time and I don’t have the funds to buy it all at once. Next year I won’t find that shade of turquoise that is perfect for a future quilt!
It always strikes me that those who say “we’re getting too PC” or “people are too quick to get offended” are often in the majority group and may not have ever experienced that feeling of exclusion. And if that majority is women, who were once excluded from so very much, can’t understand the dangers of not being inclusive, than we haven’t fully learned our lessons.
But let me put this out there; what does it cost you, personally, to use more inclusive language? What is lost by widening the circle to ensure all quilters feel like they have a place at the table? I would venture that the cost is nothing and there is nothing to lose. Why not instead of basically telling people to ‘suck it up’, reach out a hand and say ‘you are welcome here’
Very well put, Nicole.
Yes. Very nicely put.
Joyce, queer is not much used in main stream UK language and for many it is still offensive – especially if used from someone who is not gay. Some gay people do use it though. So, not recognising that difference between different countries could actually be seen offensive too. If someone had nothing more pressing to worry about that day – like maybe the election of Trump. Priorities people…… No one has anything to say about that on US blogs – voices are strangely silent. That is something I have personally found really offensive over the past week and I am embarrassed by the silence.
Yes this is meant to be a crafting blog but we used to see the person behind the writing. I know that isn’t true anymore but still I like to know that the person whose blog I sometimes read does not support someone so unsuited to the role. This was not a normal election, where perhaps an individual’s politics doesn’t matter. This article is just a side issue in comparison but has people falling over themselves to have a say, yet Trump is the big old elephant getting in the way of everyone and no one has anything to say. I have been open mouthed at the average US response from bloggers and instagram posters. Absolute silence or coded meaningless sentiment that means nothing at all. I find that so much more offensive than a place designated for husbands. People seem to have little to say or are scared to say it. What does that say for personal freedom? I hope that Trump does not get to put policies in place that show what true prejudice and offense look like. But I fear he will.
Hi Maddy, I’ve had this blog for 11 years and I’ve never written about presidential politics. It’s just not what I choose to use this space for. I realize that this might be disappointing.
I think because some people don’t want to offend others. Unfortunately, I think there are a lot more Trump supporters than we thought, that are out there. I think they are the ones that are complaining that we are too sensitive.
I’ve seen MANY people threaten to unfollow blogs and shops. I don’t have either so I don’t have something to lose by speaking. Quilters come together in tragedies but they don’t mix well with other issues like equality, gay rights, or things like that. This is my perception. I can’t speak for anyone but myself.
Make no mistake, the quilting world has issues with gender. I have even had a quilt guild tell me that they would not welcome my husband to teach at their guild despite the fact that we’ve been business partners for 17 years and he designs and makes as many quilts as I do. On top of that he is a beloved and tenured art professor and has knowledge that I lack. People always make comments that he must be the “business person” and I’m the quilter or say things like “Does he ever try to make any quilts?” He’s been sewing since he was 8. It’s past time to recognize quilting doesn’t have a gender requirement. Why can’t it just be a lounge in both cases?
I totally agree. I’ve seen that sign at Quilt Festival for the last 4 years and every time I wonder why they can’t just call it something else. I feel like perhaps it’s supposed to be a bit funny, but it’s never made me laugh — it just makes me eyeroll.
Having a lounge/rest area is fantastic. (They need a few more chairs or couches in there! Looks so bare!) But calling it the “Husband’s Lounge” specifically seems unnecessarily divisive.
I hope this forum stays on topic, crafting as an industry. If it goes to a political persuasion forum, whether you agree with the issue or not, I will check out. Please, a place that isn’t political.
Agree.
Except that those “traditional quilt show consumers” would not be at all discouraged by the terms “Lounge,” “Rest Area,” or “Sports Lounge.” And although I roll my eyes at the “Husbands’ Lounge” sign and it doesn’t offend me personally as a heterosexual woman quilter, it DOES piss me off as the mother of two very creative teenaged sons who like to come to quilt shows with me. They even take classes sometimes and pick out fabric, so they are consumers of the quilt market as much as I am. It’s one thing to tell adults to “get over it,” but just as we no longer allow companies to discriminate against our daughters and tell them that sports/business/math/etc. is not appropriate for girls, we shouldn’t allow the quilting industry to send negative messages that discourage boys and men from quilting. And where did you get the idea that boy quilters and homosexual quilters and single quilters and mothers of boy quilters, everyone who doesn’t fit the “husbands’ lounge” stereotype, should go to QuiltCon instead of to IQF? I know several male quilters, and their style is very traditional.
To the person who said “I hope this blog remains focused on the craft industry instead of becoming political”: This is ABSOLUTELY an on-topic industry post. We are all looking for ways to attract new customers and retain the ones we already have in order to grow our businesses. The men I know who sew and quilt, and I can think of half a dozen just off the top of my head, have all told stories about being snubbed or mistreated at quilt shops, or by guilds, and they don’t return to those businesses. When they find a business that welcomes them, they reward that business by opening up their wallets and referring other customers their way. Also, whereas the stereotypical heterosexual grandma quilter has a husband who “allows” her to spend money at the quilt show, male quilters tend to have more disposable income and don’t need anyone’s permission to spend it on themselves. Men don’t usually feel guilty about their hobbies the way that women tend to do, and they are less likely to impose limits on themselves like “I’m not going to buy anymore fabric until I use up my stash.” What’s more, when you consider the significant cultural obstacles faced by male quilters, the men who do venture into the quilting world tend to be very prolific quilters who are much more heavily invested in the craft than the average “typical” customer. It is a HUGE lost opportunity for any business to deliberately alienate a whole segment of their market, especially when they do not stand to gain anything by doing so.
What happened to just spending your time – and dollar – in places that you wanted to support? When did society shift so much that we all became a deputy sheriff and were tasked with shaming others for doing something that they thought was right? Each of these examples in the article is a case where a business saw a need, tried to solve for it…and the best we can do is condemn them for it? Seriously?
If Missouri Star looked at their customer base, worked to understand their needs, and created a lounge to support that need, who are we to judge them? If it bothers you, don’t shop there. Spend your dollars somewhere else.
Voting with your dollars may seem like a simple idea until you consider that some people have more dollars than others. Furthermore, for many people, their location dictates the choice (or lack thereof) of places to shop, especially those who would rather support a local business than buy online.
We can take our dollars elsewhere AND advocate for more inclusive business practices. It’s not an either or.
Jennifer, exactly. I doubt that Missouri Star made a man’s store on a whim.
This is disheartening to read, but sadly, I’m not surprised. I have to ask – what about men who are quilters? What’s their take on this?
My husband comes with me to QuiltCon because he really enjoys looking at the vendor show floor as a maker himself. I think the simple solution, as suggested by some of the commentators in the article, would be to pick a non-gender name for an area where one could relax, but I think this brings to light the bigger issue of gender within this medium. Thanks for sharing this, Abby. It can be a difficult topic to address, but it’s an important one.
This article and the comments make me want to leave the quilting community. I come here to quilt, not worry about all of the different ways a person who wants to get their feelings hurt could manage to do just that. With all of the goodwill in the world, a person’s feelings will still get hurt if that is what they want to happen.
This is an important piece. My dear friend–a man–has been quilting since he was a child. He is a mixed-media artist and frequently attends events of this nature. “Husband’s Lounge” is, quite simply, an outdated and reductive term. How about “Lounge”? And, lord, that one looks like it needs some more amenities to earn the title!
I am interested to see folks bemoaning “complaining” by coming to a blog to complain about the complaining. I would simply ask this question:
If, as you say, the name is irrelevant and the lounge is for anyone to use–why do you care if the name is changed? If the name truly means nothing and signifies nothing to attendees, then honestly why would you care if it were called the Quilters Significant Others Rest Emporium LOLJK.” Right? If the name is irrelevant as you so forcefully claim, then whatever it is named is irrelevant. So why all the drama about a request to change it?
I don’t think ‘Husband’s Lounge’ is a big deal – though if the above description in comments of the ‘nursing lounge’ is accurate, that is the bigger travesty/sexism – that women should get crappy digs and men get the nice stuff.
As a single childless & woman in sewing land (not so much quilting), women who emphasize their ‘mommy’ and ‘wife’ status in every breath are a bigger turn off than a room that acknowledges the people who enable these women to have the heightened social value attributed to mothers and wives – ie, their husbands.
Could the language be more neutral? Yep. But would the husbands feel welcome in a lounge for everybody? I think the whole point is this is a space for them to kick back and not talk about fabric or other stuff that doesn’t interest them, with like-minded people. Otoh, how many specific lounges do there need to be? Can everyone lounge together? Or would that not be restful?
What a great discussion and topic to think about 🙂 thanks for sharing it.
It’s all been said by the commenters above – so many reasons this is antiquated and exclusionary (and not to mention the women’s rest/breastfeeding room issue – what the hell?)
My biggest question in practical terms, is what do they think would be lost by just calling it “The lounge” and making it more appealing to anyone who wants to hang out there while their family or friends shop? It seems like such an obvious solution.
Personally, I am getting tried of this kind of post. We all know “husband” at a quilt shop or event means whoever is traveling with the quilter. I agree that a lounge can not be open to all or it would defeat the purpose of it. Just today, I heard the kids of today want everything handed to them. Yes, I have been bullied all my life so I understand. Stop picking apart someones good work. At the festival and at Missouri Star.
Enjoying your hobby of sewing or quilting and laugh when you see a sign “husband”.
Totally agree! : )
That’s the point. The lounge IS open to all. If you are telling me I can’t sit down because it’s labeled “husband”, then don’t be offended when I ignore that, and sit down.
No place needs to exclude anyone. Especially when the purpose is to sit and rest.
A name is important. Not because we are “pc” but because we are all human beings sharing this planet. For too long people have been excluded, and abused either through deliberate action or simple neglet. (Those who think something isn’t a problem because it doesn’t cause them any discomfort.)We do need to think about how we say, and think, things . We need to make the effort.
Do you think that if Hitler had named places ,”The Place Where We Will Torture and Murde.r You Because You Are Different” instead of ” Concentration Camps” or “Work Camps” the world might have paid more attention? Words and names mean something. Just because something doesn’t bother you, just because you dont’t think it’s important doesn’t mean that it is correct nor does it mean that it is not important.
Previous posters have said it much better than I have, I feel it needs to keep being said until it doesn’t have to be.
Words do matter!! Also – the MSQC doesnt have the best record with correctness. Last week I had to send them a msg after they posted a Halloween pic of tbeir staff dressed as ‘cowboys and indians’ on instagram. After much critisism they took the photo down. I was glad to see others standing up against theit portryal as native peoples being a costumea as offensive.
I believe we are getting too caught up in the moment. I think we are feeding into the hysteria surrounding terminology. Looking around I would say there are thousands of words that could/should be changed if we want everything to be gender neutral. I fear we are being encouraged to find things that will tear us apart at a time we should be working hard to come together. Recognize our common ground and try to drop the over-sensitivity to terms. It really isn’t doing anyone any good to divide us.
Using a gendered term that emphasizes heteronormative standards is divisive.
THANK YOU for posting this Abby! You do good work, Jane
This is stupid. I am dropping your blog. Most adults are able to distinguish this issue for themselves and have for all eternity. People like you think you invented intellegence and sensitivity and have to “fix it” in others. STOP.
TOP
I don’t think examining the language we use in an effort to make quilting as inclusive as possible is stupid.
Me either.
This lesbian thanks you for the discussion–and I thank your readers for noting that the wide range of humanity never fits in just one box. How about “Take a Break”, “Put Your Feet Up”, . . . ? And as a former nursing mother—for heaven’s sake–let’s give them a little more comfort!
Being both a quilter and a technologist, I have the unfortunate experience of seeing this from both perspectives—that of the included and excluded.
As a software engineer, I can easily find myself the only female in a room of men whether it’s a business meeting, conference, networking event, or social outing with peers. Most of us will be white, and many will be straight. I can go to a conference and be told that it’s so nice that I’m there supporting my husband, will he be back in a moment? I’ll be told I’m not a real programmer. It’ll be directed at the ‘simple’, ‘easy’, ‘intro’ topic sessions. There will be jokes about how maybe I’d rather be shopping or at the spa instead. I’ll be asked to take notes or help set up the coffee and snack stations.
Plenty of women will commiserate with me over all of those stories. We’ll swap them, play one-up about the worst things men say to us in our various industries. Plenty of men will make excuses, say it doesn’t happen. Plenty more will admit that yes, it’s a problem, but only in startups maybe, or only in the big conservative agencies, maybe. Mostly, society agrees that there’s a serious problem with sexism in STEM fields and pretty much any other industry that has been traditionally, predominately male.
But with quilting, those same women with so many stories will turn around and say and do virtually the exact same thing to men. Some do it to embrace the power of the reversed gender ratio. Some do it because it is so ingrained by the community that they don’t even notice it. Some do it to fit in. Maybe for all of those reasons at different times.
Changing that norm is hard, because it requires that we first admit that we’re part of the problem. Who wants to face their flaws?
Thank you for prompting another great discussion, Abby. Language does matter, and will continue to matter. And there will continue to be people who can only see the world from their point of view rather than trying to be compassionate to the experiences of others.
THANK YOU SO MUCH! I believe that one of the reasons women still face the discrimination that you’re describing in STEM is because the women’s rights movement has focused only on opening up more opportunities for girls and women instead of working to erase ALL gender stereotypes, both male AND female. As long as we keep telling our boys and men that they can’t stay home to raise children, or enjoy cooking/sewing/quilting/gardening, or dancing, or whatever, because these things are not masculine, there are going to be people telling girls and women that they don’t belong doing traditionally masculine things like STEM, governing, running businesses, etc. It’s a double sided coin that restricts human potential.
I applaud you for taking this on. How about “Supporter’s Lounge?” With gratitude to WHOEVER the accompanying friend/relative/spouse/uber driver might be.
This is the most wonderful quilt festival in the world and you find this to complain about? I thought it was hilarious when I saw the sign. My husband would never be caught dead paying for a quilt show ticket just to sit in a lounge by any name. Stop trying to find things to be offended by and enjoy the wonderful show. People come from all over the world to attend this show not to care about the wording on a sign tucked into the corner of 11 foot ball fields worth of wonderfulness.
Just to clarify, this blog post is about language and how it can shape our beliefs. I didn’t attend International Quilt Festival. There are many bloggers who did attend and have posts up about the quilts. In this article I use this lounge’s name as an example of how language can influence our thinking.
I totally agree. Enough already!
I meant to say that I agree with Sharyn.
I thought it was strange to have a “husbands lounge” with comfy chairs to put your feet up but yet the people doing the shopping and looking had to go to the 2nd and 3rd floors to try to find a place to sit and rest awhile before they could do more shopping and looking. I know there are a lot of us quilters female or male who have to sit for awhile and get off their legs due to arthritis or whatever and yet there are no comfortable chairs to sit anywhere making your stay more comfortable. My husband went with me as he usually does as I despise driving long distances and in big cities and have no other quilters to go with. I mentioned to him that he could sit in the lounge for awhile if he wanted to and not walk the whole thing and he told me “that if I could do it without having a comfortable place to sit and rest so could he”
See, this is why language DOES matter! I’m sure if you had chosen to sit down in one of the comfy chairs, no one would have actually kicked you out for not being a husband. I would hope not, anyway. But the sign strongly implies that only certain people are allowed to sit there. I think it’s been covered already in Abby’s excellent post and many of the comments in this thread, but essentially it boils down to this: providing a lounge is a great idea, but the sign needs rethinking.
First world problems.
Oh my gosh. Now the world of political correctness has reached the quilting world. Really ???? I imagine that if you polled the visitors of this particular quilt show you would find that a great percentage of the visitors are heterosexual Husbands and Wives. So a “Husbands lounge” would be entirely appropriate. Why then do we need to change the name for a small minority of people who may or may not be offended. Frankly, I’m offended by the entire subject. But who cares? I’m just a happily married, homemaker from MN, I don’t have the clout of the PC crowd. Please keep your liberal, PC, ideology out of a craft that I love.
Thank you.
ChrisDee
I can understand that it’s scary to think about who might show up at a quilt show if they’re made to feel welcome. It might be a different sort of person than is showing up now and that feels uncomfortable. But I believe in reaching out and building community with people who aren’t in the majority. Inclusion would only make the show, and the industry as a whole, stronger and more interesting.
You are missing the point. We can’t change everything at the drop of a hat to prevent people from getting their feelings hurt. I understand that your business depends on sales and the more people you can get to join means more money in your pocket. But don’t step on the toes of your tried and true client base just to get a few more sales. A smart business owners knows his / her customer base and doesn’t go out of their way to alienate them. Which is what you did when you wrote the article.. I’m sure that wasn’t your intention but not everyone sees life through the eyes of a liberal ” I’m OK, your OK” mindset. Enough said. I can’t make it any clearer than that.
Wishing you peace and prosperity!
So you feel that Quilts, Inc. would be wise to shy away from taking steps towards welcoming openly gay people because they’ll alienate their homophobic clientele?
You read it here folks…anyone who doesn’t favor changing the sign is homophobic.
Wow. You said a mouth full there. I’ll just let your own words speak for you and unsubscribe from you blog.
Wait, did I read that correctly? I am a married female quilter, I spend thousands of dollars on my hobby every year between fabric, thread, gadgets, and my wicked Bernina addiction… And like so many quilters, I am blessed that my children are interested in learning and I love to take them to shows with me and even take classes with them. But God didn’t see fit to give me daughters; He gave me creative, artistic sons who share my love of quilting. It’s bad enough that my father-in-law makes nasty comments to my kids about how sewing is for “girls and sissies.” I don’t need a giant sign at the quilt show telling my boys that they belong in a lounge watching sports because the quilt show is only for girls. This isn’t just about homophobia. Maybe you are athletic or you enjoy sports as a spectators How would you feel if you forked out the money to go to the Olympics, the World Cup Finals, or the World Series and when you got there, you saw a giant sign directing you to the “Wives’ Lounge”? And what if every time you walked into a sporting goods store, the salespeople asked “Does your HUSBAND need help finding anything?” Or you walked into the gym where you are a member, and the person at the front desk said, “Oh, Honey, the nail salon is next door.”
Hey, there. I am a quilt store owner and fabric designer. I have a few customers at my store who are in their sixties and seventies and they have either never been married or have been widowed for decades. They are dear to me and we obviously know each other well (hence knowing they have never been married or are widows). They, as heterosexual women, describe the pain and loneliness they feel on a daily basis. They often bring a companion with them to the fabric store. I would NEVER EVER want to hurt them by making THEM feel alienated, yet again, because they don’t have husbands. It’s so simple to consider the very real feelings of other people. That’s it. I do think we should be thoughtful of the diverse population and encourage participation and build community with those who aren’t a part of the majority. And then think about how powerful it would be to be so welcoming. Why wouldn’t we want everyone to be embraced and welcomed?
Thank you for your kind comment. I have been following this comment thread with interest (and contributed a couple times already! Hope that’s okay, Abby…) and I admit to being a little baffled as to why some commenters are so deeply offended by the suggestion that a sign be more welcoming.
For anyone out there still reading who might be feeling a negative knee-jerk reaction to this post, there is nothing wrong with thinking the “Husbands’ Lounge” sign was funny or clever to begin with, BUT THEN pausing to reflect on how that might exclude some people and advocating that it be reworded to reflect more inclusive values. That’s not being petty or stupid. That’s being mature and thoughtful and possessing of self-awareness.
I’m all for inclusivity. Maybe this is just a case of the quilting industry knowing their customers? The sign reading “Behind every woman in a quilt shop is a man carrying 15+ bolts of fabric and begging her to stop buying more!” is meant to be humorous. For most who quilt, it is a hobby. Many couples joke about how much their partner spends on hunting, fishing, golfing, crafting, etc. Some of the other commenters seem to be looking for a reason to accuse yet another person or business of discrimination.
I wasn’t planning on commenting again but after a few comments along the lines of “a smart business person knows their customer base and doesn’t alienate them”, I have to chime in…
As smart business person knows that relying on the same existing customer base limits your chances for growth and survival. And let’s face it, the stereotypical quilter is not a spring chicken. Without reaching out to younger quilters and would-be quilters, and reaching out beyond the confines of the stereotypical quilter, any quilting business and the industry as a whole will stagnate and die. It LITERALLY pays to be more inclusive.
Perhaps rather than worrying about their finite existing customer base, quilting businesses will take that calculated risk and reach out and be more inclusive and if they upset a few of the intolerant and self-righteous along the way…then so be it…the potential gains are so much greater.
I also still struggle to understand why a person would feel personally threatened by things being more inclusive. The more voices, the richer the sound.
Dear Abby,
I didn’t go to Houston and one of the reasons is that I can no longer do any show of size, let alone the largest in the World, without frequent sit-downs.
Having read your piece amd the comments I have bookmarked your blog as you have said so much that I agreee with.
Let us be inclusive, not exclude with ‘amusing’ signs that only refer to one sort of partner. And as for that space being larger and better equipped than a space for breast-feeding mothers?
Thank you for this article; I have forwarded it to a friend who lives in Houston. You may pick up another follower.
I never commented on your blog before, but I just wanted to thank you for writing this post.
It is so important to talk about these kinds of things …
I am not a quilter, but I am a woman who likes to shop at hardware stores and build things when I’m not sewing – and I imagine the issues are somewhat simliar (If I bring my male roommate along because we are buying stuff for the apartment, nobody will talk to me. Everyone will address him, even though he has no knowledge of or interest in building things. It’s very similar besides being the other way around gender-wise)
It would be so nice if these exclusionary practices (and as you already mention: Language becomes reality and is a powerful tool in reproducing normativities) became a thing of the past sooner rather than later.
Thank you for this article. I am just finished dealing with the exclusion of men from the retreat center at MSQC. Hard to believe, but the center was built – in what, 2016, without any accommodations for male participants – we are simply and unapologetically excluded. Then there is the “separate but equal?” Man Sewing. Oh my….as though this is a different animal than just plain sewing. Imagine a wife’s lounge while the menfolk golf? It’s obvious in that case, but isn’t it also in this? I mean, they are needles and thread – are we really that different that we need to be locked out of sewing centers and get “special” (and not very good, btw) ManSewing? Maybe “modern quilting” will take on modern attitudes and stop segregating and demeaning male participants in the craft.
Thank you Peter. Well put.
I’m wondering about the sign for this year’s quilt festival. Is it still a “husband’s lounge?”
I’ve been to one Quilt Festival. One of the things I definitely noticed — as did my aching knees and hips — was a lack of chairs in the building. People were sitting on the floor, and then needed assistance to get up. I would have been happy to find anywhere to sit — even if it were labeled “Granny sitting”. Lounge Area, Rest Stop, Relaxation Area are all possible names for a spot to sit in a comfortable chair for a few minutes.
Very well stated. Sometimes we don’t intentionally mean to exclude people, but our language and habits are so ingrained that it’s just what we do.
Who knows if a wife saw the Husbands’ Lounge (and if the images are to be believed, no women) and went to sit in a less comfortable area?