Make anything and put it out for public display and you’ll attract criticism. You’ll attract praise as well, of course, but no matter what you do there will be people who don’t like what you’re doing. Some will keep it to themselves, and some will tell you what they think. Of those that tell you, some will be polite with their suggestions, and some will be confrontational.
The more you make, the more critics you encounter and the more likely it is that one of them will be of the confrontational sort. They may email you curt critiques or detailed essays about what you should change, or they may comment in a public space like on a blog post, Twitter or Facebook. Some of these critics you can surely dismiss, but I guarantee they’ll be at least one that makes you feel angry, or ashamed, or like a fraud. Something about what they’re saying really gets to you and triggers your deepest insecurities.
What do you do next? The gut reaction is to start searching through whatever they’ve created to find flaws in it. First we want to critique the critic. Later when we’ve processed their words more fully (by rereading their emails 100 times) we remind ourselves that what we’re doing is good work, and hopefully we move past this incident with our spirit and our drive intact.
We might then respond directly to the critic, or keep our thoughts to ourselves, but from then on that person may end up becoming our crafty internet nemesis. What’s that? It’s a crafter you love to hate. I think you’re not being honest if right now you’re thinking, “I don’t have an internet nemesis.” I’ve got one and I’m betting you do, too.
Here’s what you end up doing when you have an internet nemesis. You frequently lurk around on her site, reading her blog posts. You check her Etsy shop to see how many items she’s sold this week. You know how many 3 star reviews her book got on Amazon. You’ve looked up her stats on Quantcast (What’s Quantcast? It’s a handy site where you can see analytics for websites. Look at you! You’re heading over there now. Right after you check your own stats, you’re going to put your nemesis’ blog in there and see what comes up. I know. I did that, too, when I discovered it.). Each time you do this, you feel a bit of that initial pain again. It’s like scratching a bug bite until it bleeds.
How does this happen and why is it so widespread? I think there are a few reasons. First, craft bloggers are primarily women. We’re socialized to be positive or be quiet. Girls should be nice. When someone breaks that rule we feel the sting more strongly than men who may be used to being confronted more directly by one another, especially in business.
We get caught up in internet jealousy. The race for more followers, more sales, more deals, more sponsors, makes us feel that what we have is not enough. Insecurity creeps in. Maybe I’m not getting opportunities because I’m not good enough. When the critic pipes up she becomes an easy target. Why is she getting more than me?
And the internet makes it so easy to spy. She’ll never know I was looking at her numbers or reading her posts or her tweets. It’s important to keep on top of the competition, right?
So here’s my question. What effect does this antagonistic relationship have on our well-being as creative people? I feel it in two ways. On the one hand, it makes me work harder. I strive to do more, and do better, to show her (and myself, right?) that I’m the real deal. My nemesis is motivating me to reach further. On the other hand, I can’t even begin to add up the time I’ve spent lurking, and fretting, and lurking some more. My nemesis is stepping on me.
I don’t want to be motivated by antagonism or jealousy or insecurity. And I don’t need to be. This year I’m working to set myself free from my internet nemesis (it’s been 8 years!). I’m confident that I can. Without that negativity, I’ll be a better person, a better blogger, and a better businesswoman.
Tell me your nemesis story, because I know you’ve got one. No naming names, of course, but how is she effecting you? And are you with me in making an effort to let go?
I’ll be brave and go first! A few years ago, I was participating in a quilt-a-long on a popular blog. I noticed an error in a cutting instruction that resulted in having to re-cut about 40 pieces of fabric. When I pointed it out on a Q&A thread set up by the blogger, she deleted my comment and sent me a note saying essentially “You’re free to do it a different way, but my instructions are correct.” After some back and forth, she acknowledged the error and said she would correct it. Six months later, that still hadn’t happened, and when I pointed it out again, because I was about to blog about my completed quilt, she didn’t reply. (It is correct now). For some reason this really irritated me every time I read her blog, so finally, I just deleted it from my feed reader. Maybe I’m missing out on other projects I would’ve enjoyed, but there is enough other inspiration out there. It felt good to move on!
I had one of the other well known artists in my niche send me a very nasty note about one of my pieces. He basically said ‘your work is terrible and I couldn’t stand quietly by and let this happen to my artform’, & so on… ‘and by the way, hope I’m not making an enemy here’. (If you didn’t want to seem mean, you could have said *one* nice thing!)
He posted this very long comment at night and deleted it several hours later. I always wondered if he did that so only I would see it, or if he changed his mind and didn’t realize I would see it either way.
In general it hasn’t caused a lot of problems, I just try to avoid him. But now that I am taking a year off and have people asking me for artist recommendations, I won’t be sending any work his way!
When I had just been going a year someone persuaded me to put my work forward to an exclusive craft show, without actually having seen any of it. My blog was awful at this point, I wasn’t selling a thing and I hardly had any fans or followers. Needless to say they refused me and I have never attended the show in my town.
This year I feel as if I have moved on – I feel as if I could go to the show if I want to and not let their snobbery affect me. I hope they look at my blog or hear about it through other people and it really motivates me to keep progressing through the rubbish crafting to get to the good stuff : )
I also have stopped letting people boss me around in terms of ‘pushing ahead’ with my business – it’s more important to me now to enjoy myself xx
I have only had one experience like this, and after trying to come to a polite understanding, I simply put the e-mail address on a filter that sends it directly to the trash if anything comes. I moderate the first few comments, and if someone is giving me negative feedback, I delete their comments and ignore them entirely. It’s better than thinking about it all the time and reading nasty e-mails dozens of times.
Hi Holly,
Thanks for being brave and going first! I think this is often how nemesis relationships develop. It’s a stepping on toes situation. You critique me, or call me out, and I feel upset about it. Our back and forth, or lack there of, results in ongoing anomosity.
Good for you for just deleting the feed. It can be so hard to let it go, but it’s wasted energy, you know? Thanks for sharing your story.
I do wonder why he wrote the comment, and then deleted it. Perhaps he realized that negativity wasn’t the way to go? That’s so strange.
That kind of rejection really does sting. It sounds like in retrospect, though, you see that you’ve made tremendous progress in the quality of your product and what you’re putting forth. I say go forth and be proud of all you’ve accomplished! We all have to start somewhere.
There are certain situations in which people email over and over again and don’t seem to be able to move on. In those cases, this sounds like the best way to handle it.
I wrote out my nemesis story. I’m so glad you’re having this conversation, Abby! http://www.kimwerker.com/2013/06/12/i-had-an-internet-nemesis/
Wow, I didn’t know this happened – sounds so awful and very much like ‘craft bullies’ – I teach at a secondary school and we stress with the kids that when they are being cyber bullied it is important that they do not keep re-reading the posts/emails – delete them and block – I am so sorry to hear that people who offer so much with such generosity receive negative comments –
Really, it’s okay. I think in any workplace there are people you’re bound to conflict with. In this case, we’re hidden behind a screen which gives people permission to say things they wouldn’t say in person, and the ability to look in without being seen. It’s part of life, really, but we can choose to rise above it, you know?
I’d like to think he had second thoughts & took it down (that would at least improve my opinion of him a little), but we’ll never know! It’s probably better that he removed it or I would have been tempted to reply.
This is new for me. Venomous (potential) customers, yes. Poisonous cyber colleagues, no.
But I know the situation in a real life work situation. The better you are in your job, the less you are liked. Specially by those who have gone up by lack of weight.
I wouldn’t give that woman one more minute of my time, if I were you. You do what you do, to the best of your abilities and that is that. Don’t let your self be coerced to an unwonted kind of competition.
Thank you once more for your thought provoking blog posts. Be well and happy 🙂
I just wanted to add a link from Kim Werker here. Kim gave a talk not long ago about her project, Mighty Ugly, and in that talk she mentioned having an internet nemesis. Hearing her describe what happened was the impetus for writing this post.
Kim just wrote her own post about dealing with her nemesis. I thought you might want to read it: http://www.kimwerker.com/2013/06/12/i-had-an-internet-nemesis/
-Abby
I mentioned this to you before, but I had a person who accused me of copying one of their designs, and also of having many similar elements of their designs. They said they had been following me for awhile.(I had no idea?) They publically insulted me on one of my sites. They also sent me a private message and not a pleasant one. I spent a few days fuming and although I almost didn’t respond to this individual, I decided to send them a private note. It was very short and basically said that I didn’t copy their work and felt no need to justify myself, that I was disappointed in them for their negativity, and then asked them to never contact me again. End of story. I have discussed this with other artist friends and we all agree that there is a fine line when it comes to design. It’s virtually impossible to create something new and completely unique because it’s all been done before. Can you imagine what kind of plush world it would be if we had to discuss and agree to only use certain fabrics and colors and animals? Okay Abby, I am taking shaggy gold fur, medium brown fur, and I’ll be making lions and raccoons. You can take yellow, baby blue and taupe fur and fleece, and you will be making birds and blue octopi only! That would be ridiculous! I try not to obsess about critics and just focus on the positive feedback that I receive.
Haha OK, I love this topic. I have a couple. One is someone I know in real life who I got into sewing. Helped her every step of the way – pick out a machine, set up a blog, gave her fabric, taught her in person. She posted one of the things I taught her as a tutorial and never mentioned me. OK, fine. Then she posted a critical review of one of my patterns (that I *gave* her) about not liking a design choice easily changed and personal preference. She will comment on my stuff only to tell me she had that fabric first. She will link to everyone else’s pattern sales except mine. She makes it clear that she thinks PDF patterns are not worth buying if they are not at least 50% off. Free is best and she hates what I charge for mine. She will also try to *figure out* my newest zipper techniques instead of buying my pattern and then blog the process of trying to deconstruct it – badly. When people ask me for help, unless I’m standing in line at the grocery store (and sometimes even then) I will jump up and help, so I’m just not used to this 7th grade stuff and I’m caught off guard every time. I’m getting better.
The second one is someone who has actually purchased my patterns and then suddenly she has a pattern or tutorial using my signature techniques that I made dozens of prototypes figuring out. No mention on her blog that she ever even made my bags (she probably didn’t, but just read the instructions). Did she think I would never find out? I privately called her out on it when she did it very obviously several times in a row, and I try to not pay close attention any more but it looks like she’s done blatantly copying me. She has a huge following, so even though I avoid her, one of my twitter or IG friends posts something of hers every day. And that makes me sad. Because a part of me almost feels like I’m ghostwriting her stuff and because she has a bigger audience, she gets the credit. So many people write her messages of thanks because they’ve *always wanted to learn that zip technique!* and I want to stand up and scream, “Over here! For the past 2 years! All she did was buy my pattern!” Her style is very different than mine, so I think we could have happily co-existed if she hadn’t ruined it. You are right that the only way to win is to stay ahead of her, so I’m working on trying to do that. Because it’s good for me in the end, no matter what. And honestly, she probably moved on long ago. So I try to as well, but I still cringe when I have her stuff shoved in my face.
I’ve also had the occasional customer who doesn’t like a design choice – like they prefer a 1″ wide strap when the pattern calls for 1.5″ and they get very, very angry over email that I don’t want to take their suggestion and re-write my pattern. Those people, somehow, I can deal with easily. And thankfully, they are the very rare exception.
I love that you discuss topics no one else will touch! So fun. Thanks! 🙂
Wow, this is a great topic! I’ve been at this for so little time that, thankfully, I don’t think I’ve acquired a nemesis yet. The potential for negative comments has helped me to thicken my skin a little, though, which I think is good in such a public type of business.
I find it interesting, though, that this seems to happen in other professions, too. I think the confrontation/envy/self-doubt cycle might be pretty deeply ingrained. At least you’ve found a positive way to harness it, Abby.
I also really like your suggestion about it being more rampant among women because of the ways we are socialized. I wonder if it works the other way, too. Maybe (non-constructive) internet criticism stings more because it seems like someone had to go out of their way to provide it, giving it more weight in our perception.
I wish you all the best in shedding your nemesis! After all, we’re all in this because it makes us happy, so why waste time feeling negative.
I don’t have a story of a internet nemesis(I only just started my internet business), but I can say I keep an eye on you! I keep an eye on you because you are an inspiration and a role model for my dreams and goals for the future. You have proved that through a love of sewing you can create a business of giving people the self belief and skills that they need, to create anything they want with fabric!
You can create happiness for yourself my creating something and for others when you give the things that you create. I think it is even more valuable when you can teach these skills to other people as well. I think this is the important thing to focus on.
Yes, we will have people around that will want to bring us down, but just keep in mind what’s important to you and why you are doing what you’re are doing and let the negative comments wash away.
Thanks for all the time and effort you have put into the art of sewing and softie making. It is very much appreciated by many! 🙂
I think you’re totally right, Casey. In order to critique someone online you have to type out your thoughts and post them somewhere. Seeing something in writing is very different from having an oral disagreement with someone. For one thing, we can reread their exact words, versus remembering (or misremembering) what they said.
I don’t have a nemesis, per se, but when I first started my Etsy shop (years ago) I was contacted by a small business owner in PA (I live in NYC) asking if I would be interested in consigning at her store. She said I could send her the items with an inventory list and the prices I wanted to charge and she would give me 80% of that amount as profit.
We talked (by email) for a long time and I followed her blog and online store. I felt it was a good fit for what I made (and I was a little flattered) so I worked my butt of and sent two huge shipments.
She contacted me right away and said one small thing had sold but did I want her to wait to pay me until it was more money? Sure, that was fine. Then I heard nothing. For months. No response to my emails.
Finally her website went offline. Everything was just gone. Then site was there but it was empty and said “under construction.” Okay fine. I emailed and said if she was closing up would she mind just sending my stuff back.
Finally she responded and said to send her money for shipping. Which I did. And then again nothing. At this point it has been almost a year so I complained about it on my blog. About how I felt taken advantage of and that she could at least respond to my requests. Then a friend sent me a link to her new blog where she went OFF about me. How I nagged her all the time and how she couldn’t even give away my “crappy crafts.” It was awful. And it bothered me for a long long time.
Finally I got over it. But it took awhile. Her post was public and very hurtful and she was clearly the one in the wrong. So I ignored it and I never did get my things back or the money I sent her for shipping. Boo.
It is unfortunate that creative people can act like this. I was surprised, honestly. Thanks for all you do!
I’ve been blogging since February 2006 but am hit or miss with posts … sometimes I’ll have lots to post about and then there will be weeks that go by that nothing’s up. Sure sometimes I’m a little jealous of other people’s fortunes but then again, I haven’t been doing all that I can do. So now it sort of morphs to a quick twinge of envy and then a big smile for how well that person has done. Then I remind myself that I should plan and do more .. guess I’m still finding my direction. 😉 BTW, I’ve followed your blog from the time that you were first making the adorable Humpty and have watched your creations grow from that point. I still love your bird sculptures the best.
Hi Tami,
Its always amazing to me to hear from people who have been following this blog for so many years. Thank you for reading for so long!