Photo of the 2017 Husband’s Lounge at International Quilt Festival courtesy of Kristin LaFlamme.
I want to express my disappointment in Quilts, Inc.’s decision to continue to call the lounge area at International Quilt Festival the “husband’s lounge.” Last November I wrote a post here about why the language we use when we talk about quilters really matters. For that piece I spoke to a representative from Quilts, Inc. to hear their perspective on the name and I talked to several people in the industry about their reaction to seeing a “husband’s lounge” at this premier show. My hope was that by bringing to light the limiting, exclusionary implications of this signage, and how easy it would be to remedy, Quilts, Inc. would take note and choose to rename the lounge this year. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen.
Quilts, Inc. is quick to point out the significant role it’s played in professionalizing and growing the quilting industry since the company was founded in 1974. A recent profile of president and CEO Karey Bresenhan, written by the company, states, “Her business acumen, enthusiasm for quilting, and perseverance helped her create and foster the quilting industry, now worth almost $4 billion a year in the U.S. alone.” The trade and consumer shows this company owns are among the most valuable and well-attended quilting events in the world.
Quilts, Inc. is a leader in this industry and they’re in a position to lead by example. Quilting isn’t just for women. It isn’t just for married women, or heterosexual women, or cis-gender women. Anybody can make a quilt and we should encourage everyone who’s interested to jump in and try it.
Attending Quilt Festival is a dream for quilt enthusiasts. People fly in from all over the world to be at this premier show, to see quilts of the highest caliber, to take classes with an all-star roster of instructors, to shop, and to be inspired. They want to be welcomed and encouraged and have their passion and enthusiasm for this art form confirmed. When some of those quilters look up and see a sign that so clearly says they don’t belong, the opposite happens.
There definitely needs to be an area at this show for people to sit down and rest. A lounge is a must. There’s simply no need to give that area a name that communicates who is and who isn’t interested in a quilt show. Just call it a lounge. What an easy fix.
Designer and award-winning quilter Andres Rosales put it to me well, “If the people who run the show know that the sign comes off as offensive and still keep it that way then that’s a sign that there’s more wrong here than some vinyl banners. Sometimes being inclusive requires a lot of work and change, I get that. In this case it requires a pair of scissors to cut the sign in half. Snip, snip, your quilt show is now more inclusive.”
Quilts, Inc., please get out your scissors.
while I understand your thinking and did read your past writing I think you are wrong in your thinking. Sometimes a sign is just a sign. While you have the right to believe as you do, at does not mean that it is wrong to have this sign up.. I think it has to be the least offensive thing in a world that takes offense at everything. I m more concerned with news reports that never acknowledge local quilting events or continue trivializing quilting as for little old ladies – the idea of elderly quilters and all the accompanying stereotypes..
” trivializing quilting as for little old ladies – the idea of elderly quilters and all the accompanying stereotypes..”
And you genuinely don’t view signs like the husbands lounge as contributing to the stereotype? Because as a younger crafter (27), that’s what it does for me. Signs like that and the husband jokes that were addressed in Abby’s previous post tell me that the people running these events and businesses are buying into the stereotype of little old straight, white ladies with their beleaguered husbands. It certainly doesn’t signal to me that they think of quilting as being for everyone, and frankly, playing up heteronormativity and thinking it’s clever is a really easy way to make yourself come across as old and dated. To me that sign says that the event isn’t making an effort to be inclusive when it comes to gender, lifestyle, OR age.
Changing the sign would be an easy step to try to bust that old lady stereotype, so I find it a little ironic that you mention it.
Wow. This place is too PC for me.
I’m out!
If asking for a welcoming atmosphere that is inclusive of everyone makes you feel you need to flee then I guess there’s not much I can do.
I totally agree with you. It seems like these politically correct people want to destroy fun atmosphere. As a man I enjoyed supporting my wife and I continue to support my wife I enjoyed going to the quilt show and the men’s lounge was a great atmosphere or I can talk with other men or ladies if they are in there about different things that are going on but it gave guys a chance to hang out wow their wives or significant others are Roaming around it was really cool a lot of times people thought it was cute and fun to see a bunch of guys looking at football while supporting their wives or significant others what’s wrong with that you take away the phone from something because you think it’s discriminating and sexist next thing you know what about all of the women show and events at the quilt show with their boots can I say that that’s discriminating against men and that’s sexist, I can guarantee you there’s going to be less husbands going to these events because of this, Not because they don’t want to support their wives because they’re just tired of being discriminated against it seems like UPC women out there want to take away everything from a man just like you got girls at Boy Scouts what are you gonna do now now you got girls going in the boys bathrooms girls doing boy sports well I hope you’re happy with your single feelings
If a sign is “just a sign” then language doesn’t communicate meaning. We come to understand our place in the world, our sense of belonging from language, signs, symbols, and codes. For example, studies show that very young children can identify gender rigid roles from the signs, symbols, music, and voiceovers in toy commercials.
Not to long ago in the US we had signs that told us which citizens could drink from what water fountain (“whites only”). Language is imbued with power. When I hear someone use “PC” as a weapon against progress, it reads as unchecked and uninterrogate privilege. Thank goodness for the person or people who speak out against injustice and work toward a more just and equitable world. My sense is that Quilt, Inc. is holding on to the past to satisfy a particular ideological constituency. Time to move forward without them. Thanks for keeping this issue alive, Abby. Strong hearts to the front!
You expressed exactly what I have been feeling and thinking after reading many of the comments here. Thank you!
Thank you Abbey. As a woman working for 35 years in a profession non-traditional for my gender, I have endured endless similar experiences at every single conference and training seminar I’ve attended. It wore thin 30 years ago. There are always the wive’s programs, the wive’s shopping trips, the wive’s bus tours etc. I am so often left at the ‘side of the road’ in training and conferences, mistakenly booked on these tours and not included in the actual training seminar. It is 2017 lets move on!
I love the idea of having a space for those who need a break, or came with someone and really aren’t into quilting. But in this day and age, language matters and having something as derogatory and gender stereotyping as ‘husbands lounge” just isn’t acceptable. The implications that men don’t quilt and therefore need a place to be while their wives frivolously do the “quilting thing” eliminates an entire demographic. I don’t know many businesses that can afford to do this in an age where there is always somewhere else to get what you need. If they’re really hard up for names perhaps “partner parking”, or something as revolutionary as “lounge”?
Thanks for a great article Abby!
It’s 2017, not 1955. And personally, if my spouse doesn’t want to come to a quilt show, he can stay home. Get with the program Quilt, Inc.
Not everyone who goes are locals…we may like the MAN to drive 250 miles so we quilters can sew on the sway and save our energy for shopping. Then he can carry my packages and purse. REALLY ?
I have a hubby who goes to a big show only cause it interests me. His mom was a primitive quilter, yet he finds room in his HEART to try to understand my sewing room.
Respect your travel partners. Give them comfort .
J. Johnson,
This is a way that we would like to respect our travel partners and give them comfort.
Not all travel partners are husbands. This sign does not acknowledge that.
Maryse, R U AN ICE PRINCESS ? I wonder how that attitude could make a warm, cozy quilt for a child, loved one or someone in need. Not to mention one you wouldn’t get paid for. He probably is HAPPIER staying at home than going with you.
I think she’s saying that her husband is his own person and doesn’t have to chaperone her everywhere, he can go and spend his weekend somewhere other than at a quilt show and do something he wants to do, if quilt shows aren’t his thing. I think it’s a little insensitive the way you’ve attacked her position. Some people have trusting relationships with separate interests. My husband will go to some of the bigger shows because he appreciates the art, other times, we say goodbye at the house and I’ll go with a friend.
I don’t think it is necessary to try to understand what the reason is for this rude, insensitive comment (which is nothing more than a personal attack on a quilter, probably because she isn’t able to come up with anything more clever). I wish Abby had simply deleted it. The best thing to do is to simply ignore it.
Thank you for writing about this. It’s beyond cringeworthy to see these kinds of signs in 2017. I roll my eyes when the seating at Bunnings (hardware/garden store) is referred to as “wives chairs”, especially considering most of my female friends love a trip there as much as their male counterparts. The quilt show is only doing themselves a disservice by deliberating excluding very large groups of people (not only men but the LGBTQI community, those without partners, women who have an iota of empathy for people who aren’t themselves etc).
Eurgh, this is the most patronising and rude thing ever. The worst thing is they’re not even being offensive by accident – the issues with this labelling have been pointed out in the past, yet someone’s taken an active decision to keep it the same. I would not wish to attend and support an event run by these kind of people, but I guess it’s an important event that those in the industry can’t miss, which kind of means the organisers can do whatever they like. Sad really…
Actually Lucy I came across a worse example at a Quilt Show in the U.K. The sign for a similar space was Husband’s Crèche. How to offend everyone I suggest! Needless to say when I popped my head round the door it was completely empty. Calling it Quiet Zone or just Lounge is such a simple fix that updates the image of the organisation and provides a useful space.
Oh my!
I can see how that sign might have been funny in the 50’s or 60s, but thankfully MOST of us have involved in the arts have evolved…
Men have been quilting, sewing, knitting, crocheting, etc. forever, but most have felt the need to keep it quiet until recent years. I remember being at Joann’s 20 years ago at Halloween time and happily seeing MEN shopping for fabric to sew costumes! Great fun for us gals to share the love 😀
Snap, just remembered! I’m 60 and I remember being impressed and delighted in the 70’s when Rosie Greer “came out” as an avid needlepointer.
https://www.crochetconcupiscence.com/2012/11/unique-1970s-crocheter-pro-football-player-rosey-grier/
Time to grow up out of the time warp, Quilts, Inc. There are countless men in the fiber arts!
How about just naming it “Lounge” so that we women know we can rest there, too? There are times, I need to cool my heels, have some water or make a call and seating is hard to find.
I can’t believe Quilts, Inc. still calls the lounge “Husbands’ Lounge” after this issue was pointed out to them! It’s 2017! And at this point, it’s not a naive oversight – it’s a deliberate choice to cater to a certain demographic and EXCLUDE others. Don’t they get that it’s bad business and bad social policy?
I don’t generally find this offensive. I often find that we as a society are very quick to take offense when none is meant but… if someone like yourself has expressed their discomfort and there were plenty of others agreeing I think that it’s a simple fix to rename the husbands lounge as the lounge or the rest zone. It’s not like anyone would miss the husband in the tittle.
I just hope that we focus more on being kind and inclusive than on being offended and mean.
And this is an effort to be kind and inclusive.
Personally, I believe it is time for people to get over themselves. Just because you don’t like the sign means it has to change. Excuse me but since when did this world revolve around you. They have the right to call it what ever they want. I like the sign its cute in its own special way. It should stay!
There are so many other things to worry about or be concern for i.e. the recent and increased shootings . We all need to keep things in perspective.
Nancy, I’m not trying to imply that this is the most pressing issue on the world stage. That’s clearly not the case. Of course Quilts, Inc. has the right to use whatever signage they see fit. But I do care deeply about quilters and the quilting industry and here we have men, gay women, unmarried women, and others who just care about the community saying that seeing this sign feels exclusionary. I think we could listen to them and believe them, even if their perspective is different from our own.
Having allies like you, Abby, makes me feel safer and happier as a queer woman who crafts! Thank you <3
Really??? This is why the world is so messed up right now. Someone is always looking to be offended by something.. Do we really need to be that concerned over a stupid little sign? Who cares. Just sit down or don’t.
I know it’s hard to take in a point of view that is different from our own, to really hear someone who is saying that they feel excluded when we ourselves don’t feel excluded. I think doing that work, to really listen and believe someone who is different from ourselves, is the path towards a better world.
Well said Abby.
Love it. Seems I only see women commenting here…stop the presses! Husband Here….. This sign is a legend in my life. It’s been included in many of my social media posts and I’m sure it will continue to be. When you go to Houston today look closely at the men there. I’ve been to Houston 3 times….its brutal on a husband. Getting run over, bumped into and stepped on, all while carrying bags of freebies, thread and fat squares. BUT, I love it as my wife loves it. I’m a veteran and thanks to “License Plates” I have become an expert in getting a big 5th wheel parked at the little quilt shops across the country on our vacations. Last Comment…please leave my Husband Lounge alone, I need that moment to get away from the waves of frenzied women trying to get an autograph from Jenny Doyle. Think about it…..I don’t get offended when I see the sign “Women’s Clinic”……
Andres, who is quoted in the article, is a man and in the original piece I talked to other men as well. I’m absolutely sure you need some time to sit down during Festival – we all would. I think that rest area would be just as effective it it were simply called a lounge. I’m glad that you’re not offended that women are able to go to health clinic where there are doctors who specialize in gynecology, mammography, and breast and ovarian cancers.
Honestly, you are comparing a men’s lounge to a medical clinic for the specific internal health of women!
All things should be equal if there is a men’s lounge there should be a women’s lounge. Better yet, a seating area, where everyone is welcome!
Gross. I am not a “frenzied” woman. All major conventions are “frenzied.” Most large conventions of any type are frenzied because it’s a bunch of people (PEOPLE) with a similar love getting caught up in the excitement and common adoration. I’ve been in that frenzy at librarian conventions (free book handouts), needlecraft conventions etc. They were great. They were also very taxing for someone with general anxiety and often lacking in a nice, slightly cut off place to chill out and regroup. All of the old fiber crafts from quilting to knitting to cross-stitch are currently enjoying more renewed interest from younger people who crave modern aesthetics and a hands-on hobby. It includes men, women, non-binary and runs the whole LGBTQ+ spectrum. For many of these people, the barrier to learning is greater as they don’t feel they have space to enter a community filled with mostly cis-white women who have been doing the craft for years and to ask the most basic questions. Signs like this seem to make the argument that maybe they truly aren’t welcome.
We choose to be offended. Again, get over yourself. If you are truly that bothered, don’t go to the event. You have that choice as well.
Sherry, I get that this issue isn’t important to everyone. I hope that when there is an issue that is important to you and you express it, especially if you’re in the minority, that people will listen to you and take your words seriously rather than dismissing them.
OK, here’s my last on the subject. As us quilters, should the highly experienced quilters walk in the front door and see only professional quilts, and beginners enter back of the building and see only projects made by that level quilters?
As a multi media creative person, I see this all the time, skilled take beginners classes to make themselves feel better. Everyone wants to be ooh’d and awe’d . THESE SHOWS ARE FOR EVERYONE-THRU THE FRONT DOOR !
Snobs, get over YOURSELVES. or YOU stay home and love YOURSELF, as you don’t appreciate the inspiration.
All I can say is …Get over it! Why is everyone so offended these days? This is a private company and if they want to call it ‘Husband’s Lounge’ so be it. You have the right to not go, so don’t if it offends you so much. I am so tired of all the political crap mixed in with my pleasure.
When you are in the majority it’s really easy to feel that the minority perspective is wrong or impossible. After all, it doesn’t affect you. But when you learn of another perspective and hear that it does make people feel excluded why not be open to hearing it and taking it seriously. Our own experience isn’t the only one.
I’m really impressed Abby, that you continue to take a stand and continue, time and time again, to politely address these comments.
Being able to be “so tired of all the political crap mixed in with (one’s) pleasure” is a luxury that not everyone has. It is, indeed, the very definition of privilege – white, straight, female, privilege (this time). Those that don’t fit this model don’t have the luxury of getting tired of politics mixing with their hobbies – it’s a given. And it’s exhausting. Why not make everyone feel welcome?
Glancing through comments below… this particular instance of changing it to “Lounge” doesn’t “exclude the many”. It’s not like huge numbers of people would walk by and randomly say “Gee this would sure would be funnier if…. it’s a shame because I only use seating areas that make bad dated jokes on out of date hetero-normative stereotypes”. Updating the sign would make quite a few people feel better and has no down side.
I know the sign seems like a small thing. But to people who don’t fit this image it is likely the ten millionth small thing (ugh) and it’s annoying that it persists even though it’s easy to fix and doing so has no down side.
I wonder if some of the bristling is due to the idea of welcoming “others” into what was traditionally a female space, which in a patriarchal society we feel inclined to defend. I sort of get that. I think though, the less things are gendered and the more things become “just things that PEOPLE do” the better for everyone. (Go Paul!)
Well said Jen. Please, just call it a lounge. Why is that so hard?
I found your last post ageist (the one where you stereotype the younger person and create roles for us to to fit into), but didn’t say so but seeing this post reminds me. You can’t please all of the people all of the time though. Husband’s lounge is fine. Some people will think not but many will. Ditto your own views. By including the few; sometimes one excludes the many and sometimes that might be important to factor in as well. Life is ultimately unfair to us all, we can but strive to make it different but there are no absolutes or dogma needed in any of it.
We all need to be more tolerant but even that means we are in danger of being intolerant to some (those whose opinion we hope to change). Who is ultimately the arbiter of right and wrong? Life is is not perfect but there are issues we all find more important than others do. This is not an issue I care much for either way. Sometimes the word is not mightier than the sword. I don’t think we have a right to expect people to roll over and change because ‘we’ say so. Sometimes there are other factors and people can make their own choices. I kind of think good for them that they doing what they think is best. I do see your arguments but don’t really care much either way in this instance. Minorities can be right or wrong in my view, just as vast majorities can. (Look how democracies work! )
That’s interesting that you found my post about seeking young mentors to be ageist. I felt that a smart way to learn how to market to millennial and GenZs was to ask them how they’re accessing information and how they’re buying things.
I AM a quilter. A Quilting business owner / operator. I buy fabric, design, cut, piece, longarm, bind. Occasionally, l “unsew”. I don’t have a husband. Your sign delegitamizes the craft, men in the craft and the opinion of the people of all demographics that attend your events… for now. You don’t have a corner market on those events.
You have a choice. Lose the sign or suffer the consequences of a boycott, the likes of which the NFL is currently suffering. I didn’t lose you with the reference, did l? By the way, if you ever attended a sporting event, where did the wives sit during the game?
I think all the wives have to sit in the nursing lounge next to the bathroom…even if you don’t have a baby. Although does the NFL even bother with that? Oh wait, as a man I believe you are allowed to be manly and go to events with other men and choose not to bring the wife. Ideally, she’ll be there at the end as designated driver for your entire group. And welcome you home with homemade chicken wings and perfectly chilled craft beer. As for quilt conventions, all honorable ladies should be escorted by an appropriate male guardian.
(just cause it’s the internet, sarcasm heavily intended and yay for crafting guys!)
Sarah – you are hilarious …. love it
If everyone who commented, “It’s just a sign! Get over it!” really meant that, then they wouldn’t care if the sign was changed. After all, “it’s just a sign. Who cares what it says?!“ The truth is that keeping the Husbands Lounge sign DOES matter to some people, for whatever reason. It is not at all “just a sign” to you. Keeping it signifies something to and for you, if we are all honest with ourselves. So what is that significance? What is the feeling, the belief, the values you believe are represented by that sign? What do you believe will be lost if that sign changes? If we can ask ourselves that question and answer honestly, then perhaps we can open our hearts to understanding that other people, not in the majority, want to share in and feel welcome to experience those things too.
Yes. This is spot on.
Best comment.
She gets it!
Very well said, Esther, thank you.
I find it truly disheartening when those who are not offended by something, be it this sign or any number of things in our world today, are unwilling to consider that their outlook and experience is not the only one. In the effort to stand up and proclaim that something is fine because it doesn’t bother them or to admonish others to “get over it” because they have not experienced the exclusion at the heart of the request, walls are built and some of our humanity is chipped away. An effort to include all takes nothing away from anyone. At the heart of this who is hurt by the sign saying simply “Lounge” ? It’s ironic to me that the ones who say people shouldn’t be so easily offended are the quickest and loudest to cry offense when other people try to share their perspective and make a polite request that something be considered from more than one point of view.
Being that offended by well-intended minutiae seems unfair and reveals a cursory understanding of how large events operate.
Actually it’s really easy to fix.
Dear Bill Volckening,
Please refer to Esther’s comment of November 4, 2017 at 9:50 pm.
Thanks,
Leslie Schmidt
From an event management perspective, a sign that offends an undetermined number of people who frankly seem predisposed to being easily offended is relatively low on the list of priorities.
Low on your list of priorities, Bill. Not on “the” list.
My personal opinion is it would be nice to change the sign even though it didn’t really bother me as a single male. My professional opinion is it would be a relatively low priority for an event director, whose process of evaluating and assessing requests and needs is often more multifaceted than it may appear from the outside looking in.
Hi Bill
…. its an easy fix …. it appears to be a laminated fabric sign ……….. a pair of scissors would do it ………. and I am sure there were plenty of them there.
And they had all time since the previous show to make it happen ….
Oh, my. When I popped over to your page today, I saw the photo and immediately thought, “Why did I get directed to this old post?” Then I saw the date. Then I cringed. I can’t believe they didn’t alter this when the solution was so simple. I can’t believe we’re having the exact same discussion a year later.
Yes, it’s well past time for a change in a more welcoming direction. (And, personally, as someone on the autism spectrum, I would welcome the availability of a quiet space where I could collect my thoughts on any/all show floors. )
I noticed this sign at Market and had an internal groan. As a married, white woman, the title clearly excludes me from enjoying the comfort of a cozy couch and quiet secluded area. I also couldn’t help but notice that the Nursing Mothers’ Room was much less comfortably outfitted, outside the show floor, and far smaller. I wonder what the response might be if I took advantage of the lounge. I wouldn’t mind if anyone else wanting some down time, husband or not, shared the space. Anyway, if you want to find me, I’ll be the one taking a nap on the couch in the Husband’s Lounge next year.
I have to laugh at those of you who claim “It’s just a sign” and anyone who’s offended by it should just “get over it” because there are so many bigger problems in the world. If it’s such an insignificant issue to you, then what’s the big deal about changing it for those folks who feel uncomfortable sitting there? The sign isn’t offensive to me — dated and cliched, yes — but if others are bothered by it, what’s the harm in changing things up to something neutral so anyone who needs a break feels welcomed? That just seems like the kind, thoughtful, welcoming thing to do here, no politics involved.
So sad to find fault with something that puts a smile on most people’s faces!
It’s a very simple thing to take out the gendered language and simply have a place on the show floor where all are welcome to rest. We can still laugh and joke and have fun, while not being hurtful or making other people feel they don’t belong. Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.
As a progressive, quilt/fiber arts business owner and the mother of an adult transgender daughter, I thank you for your thoughtful replies to the comments here.
I agree with Cathy. My first response was to smile when I saw the sign. But on reflection I thought that maybe at these shows there might be people who are not husbands who just need to sit down to rest. Personally, I wouldn’t want to go into an area called “husbands’ lounge.” I’d feel that I shouldn’t intrude. Yes, the sign is funny in a tongue-in-cheek way, but I hope there is a nice welcoming area for everyone/anyone to sit and rest. I haven’t been to one of the Quilt shows so I am unsure what is available.
Maybe there is a simple explanation for not changing the sign. Has anyone ever been in this Lounge? Perhaps it is so small that if the sign just read “Lounge” the room would be too small to accommodate all who wished to use it.
I have pictures of the inside of the lounge area. It’s spacious with big easy chairs, a long table with magazines, and lots of space to move and walk around.
And even if it was a space issue, why would husbands in particular be prioritized over partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, parents or any other person who might need a break?
Many shops have an area called a “husband’s lounge” and it has almost become a cliché for an area where people can sit and be entertained while someone else shops. Part of the issue may be generational. I am middle aged, and am quite accepting of the term, although I see where you are coming from. I also suspect that things are culturally different in Texas to areas such as California where political correctness is imperative. I think that the name of the lounge reflects a tradition rather than cultural insensitivity. However, a change in name would certainly be acceptable. I think that it is something that is not worth fighting over when there are so many other issues which are. While Karey will hopefully re-evaluate the name and perhaps come up with something more neutral like “TV lounge” or relaxation area, there are far bigger issues to address. They have done a wonderful job in terms of things like access for disabled visitors, so one step at a time.
I have a trans daughter. It’s hard enough in this world to get along, and be accepted, no matter what a wonderful, loving person you are. I love the idea of inclusion of all, no matter who/what they are. It makes my heart hurt some, knowing that a friendly, welcoming sign should not welcome all who want to be there. Jesus said “The greatest of these is LOVE.” Wouldn’t it be a kinder place if we put our opinions away, and just chose to show love to all? Loving kindness is so much nicer, and fulfilling, than being right. : )
Instead of arguing amongst ourselves, insulting one another (as one adamant poster has done), attacking and defending and bringing up personal opinions, why don’t we just try to solve the problem by emailing or contacting the one (or more) people who can actually change this? Abby, do you have and/or can you make available to us the names and contact addresses of the people who are responsible for this decision? Absolutely nothing that has been posted on this site will make one iota of difference unless the person(s) responsible are aware of our opinions. As my mother used to say, if you want to make a change, go talk to the person responsible for making the change and let them know how you feel.
Absolutely. Bob Ruggiero is the public relations director at Quilts, Inc. He’s aware of my feelings on the issue because I reached out to him for comment last year, sent him the link to the post last year when I published it, and sent him the the link to this post when I published it. If you’d like to voice your opinion please do. His email is bobr at quilts.com and you can see the staff directory on their website: https://www.quilts.com/staff-directory.html
Thanks Abby. Hope others send him something as well.
My email to Bob …..
Hi Bob
I am sure that you are tired of hearing about this sign and the Husbands Lounge …..
BUT …
its important that as a major leader in the quilting community that your organisation is seeing as leading by example and being inclusive. This sign does not do your organisation justice.
It was a small and easy thing to fix … and you missed the opportunity to fix it ……….
Please ensure that you don’t miss the opportunity again.
Kind regards
Needless to say … I have yet to receive a reply to my email ….
Thanks for speaking up about this Abby. My cousin’s love is what most would call a “typical all-American male”. He hunts, fishes, makes hunting bows and turns wood bowls. He was born and raised in Alaska and he is a master blue ribbon-winning quilter and designer. I agree with one commenter that stated, “this isn’t the 1950’s”. Being a child of the 50’s I say “Hallelujah!” to that!
If we want quilting to be accepted as a fine art, let’s drop the sterotypes and the language that goes along with pigeonholing . . . the fact is words DO matter.
Hi Abby, here is my message to Bob Ruggiero:
Dear Bob,
Stop. Don’t just sigh and think, another annoying opinion about the Husband’s Lounge kerfuffle. If you do so, you are trivializing something that many of us feel is outdated and ready for change.
I encourage you and support you in any effort you have to just take a pair of scissors and cut off the “Husband’s” part of this banner.
As a person with a quilt and sewist business and as a woman, if I walked under that banner in your festival, I would feel excluded and I would not go in. Fortunately my husband is still alive, but if I were a single woman or any other permutation (LGBT etc. etc.) I would not feel welcome in a place with such a banner. And as a former nursing mother who was relegated to nursing my infant on the toilet of a public bathroom because there were no other places for me to go, I certainly would not feel comfortable nursing a baby in the “Husband’s Lounge.” (And yes, I know you have a nursing mother’s lounge in your space, but I hear it is not nearly as comfortable as the Husband’s Lounge is.)
As a businesswoman, I am forced to think about the feelings and needs of other people, just to stay successful in my business, regardless of my personal opinions of their viewpoint or behavior. If I put up a such a sign in an open space in my place of business, some of my customers would feel marginalized. It would be exclusionary. And people who feel marginalized and excluded do not open their wallets. Most likely they would not even come back to me.
Back in the day, such a sign was not considered exclusionary. Now it is, regardless of our personal opinions of why.
For the sake of the success of your business, I encourage you to change the name of this sign to either “Lounge” or “Rest Area.”
Thank you for taking the time to write this thoughtful letter.
Maybe there are those who do not find the sign offensive, but if there are quilters who do in today’s world something should be done to make all quilters feel included, not excluded by an outdated and inaccurate stereotype. I have not been a quilter for very long, but I am impressed by the number of men involved in the quilting industry and in the creation of beautiful quilts. I have even read how men have been involved in quilting for centuries. This issue is not about those who do not feel offended. It is all about making all quilters feel welcome!
Abby, you have my support 100%!
I really wish the “what’s the big deal?” people would think about this a bit more. These artificial gender divisions–men do this, women do that–are things that women struggle against all the time. We’ve all heard the stories of women scientists who struggled to be taken seriously, the woman who ran in the Boston Marathon when women weren’t allowed to enter (and was assaulted as a result), women construction workers who experienced terrible harassment on the job, and on and on. It is really, really hard to cross those lines, and women know it. Yet we’re just fine with a sign that reinforces those divisions? We want men to struggle to be accepted into the “girls’ club” the way we have had to struggle? We’re going to pretend that stereotyping doesn’t hurt people?
I support all quilters, whoever they may be. If your heart leads you to quilting, I welcome you here. I take your concerns seriously, and I promise never to rudely dismiss them as “PC.” You are a valued member of our community just as you are.
Oh, and thank you, Abby, for this post. I admire your grace in the way you’ve responded to some rather rude comments here.
I agree … Abby you are great !
My first thought was to laugh – “Husbands’ Lounge! hahaha! That is funny!”
My second thought was – “Too bad I’ll never go to a quilt show. I’m not one of those old women… I do kind of like quilts.”
My third thought was- “Woah!! Abby is right!! What the heck is wrong with me!?”
Stuff like this is so insidious because I think we are all so used to it. It really isn’t acceptable and needs to change.
I don’t think of it as “offensive”, just outdated, lame and embarrassing.
Think of the uproar (and potential lawsuit) in today’s climate) if, at any historically (outdated) male-dominated convention there were “Wive’s Lounge” areas? Maybe some still exist… anyone know? I can’t imagine a Wive’s Lounge at any car show, boat show, comic book convention, hunting show, gun show, home repair, etc.